The innevitable happens.
I don't quite know whats going on with me at the moment. I'm cold and aloof and slightly neurotic.
Here's my latest theory;
I met Helen. Helen made me feel comfortable, wanted, happy, secure....all those things. Now she's gone. The anxiety, the paranoia, the self conciousness are all back and eating at me like wolves at a carcus.
I don't know why it is but I seem to need someone to make me feel these things, I'm incapable of mustering them up myself. I need someone to tell me I'm doing the right thing, I need someone to back me up, tell me I'm not mad, make me feel secure. She did that and now she can't and it hurts.
So...my being cold and aloof is not selfish...well it is.....but not nastily, I'm just on a journey to find me, happy me, normal me and secure mewithnoissues. I must say I am very proud of myself for not retreating to old habits over this difficult time. I am dealing with it...extremely slowly...
I will go back and sit in a theatre without having a panic
I will go to the stage door and be as normal as I can be
I will buy a bottle of wine and only drink a glass
I will put on my favourite dress and my pretty shoes with confidence
I will walk around town with my head looking forward instead of down
I know I can do it.
But I'm just scared
Scared to let go and have a good time
Every time I do the guilt takes over.
Guilty for me being here and Helen eaten away.
She's happy now
Why shouldn't I be?
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