Christmas in Glasgow!

So I decided that this post I'm gonna split text with videos because I took a few over the last few days and they're quite funny!

Roz came and picked me up. We drove up the motorway listening to the Proclaimers !

Then when we got to Leven Valley, baby was there to greet me.

She was so excited because the got a Jay Jay Jet Plane in the Play area! But I made her say hi to me on a video- she also says hi to Al!

Then Christmas night we all got munted!

HIYA PAAAAL!

I have spent the last three days absolutely munted! It's been great, me and Roz getting mad wi it!

A Merry Christmas to all,

And to all a Good Night!!!

Christmas Update

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

CBT follow-up.

It was hard to go to a session and not talk about past experiences which are prime contributors to the way I am now. I am a firm believer in the phrase:

"What doesn't break you, makes you"

CBT doesn't work like that. You have to discuss the issues you have on a daily basis, for example:

Situation.
Someone I donnot know tries to start a conversation and I blow them off because I get anxious.

Emotional Feeling.
Rejected, guilty, low, unworthy.

Physical Feeling.
Sick, dizzy, faint.

Action.
Go straight home and avoid them.

CBT changes your way of thinking. If I were putting it into practice, the above situation would possibly go like this.

Situation.
Someone I donnot know tries to start a conversation.

Emotional Feeling.
Empathy.....I wonder if they are lonely

Physical Feeling.
I breathe and make myself comfortable.

Action.
Recipicate the conversation, thinking of the other person and how they feel- their impression of you.

The CBT table.

SITUATION

THOUGHTS

ACTIONS FEELINGS

.................................................................................................................
I personally must keep a diary of the issue I face on a daily basis which I think that therapy can help me overcome. I told this guy that I have already kept a dairy for over a year and all it contains are these hurdles. Therefore for the next few weeks I shall be focussing on these.
Its a very strange feeling and I don't really know how to describe it, it's like someone is looking in on my life like we do when we watch reality tv and they're poking and prodding me until they get an answer. Not in a bad way at all, it's just weird, new , different- definitely a change for the better!

I

CBT- Cognitive Behaviour Therapy.

I cut.
I starve.
I purge.
Obviously that is a problem.
I recognise that.
My GP recognises that.
Therefore I must attend CBT.
Oh shit!

CBT is a relatively new strategy. It can apparently help how you think (this is the cognitive part) and what you do (behaviour part). It focusses on the "Here and Now", finding resolutions for the issues you face daily and not dwelling on past causes of stress and pressure, trying to improve your overall state of mind. You have to think about a situation that makes you anxious, then evaluate the thought process, feelings and actions. This seemingly breaks up the cycle of altered thinking. I don't know if it's gonna work but I'll give it a try.

However I don't see the point of it.
Why don't I go to Barnes and Noble and buy a book for $10 instead of having to travel every week to this unnecessary and tedious process. If medication doesn't work, nothing will.

I shall let you know how it goes, my first session is on Monday.

Far From the Home I love.

Michigan is Cold!
Colder than anything I have ever experienced before.
I don't understand, I'm from Scotland!

The mornings are so pretty though, I look through my skylight window and I can see the frost lightly dusting the trees, the light catches a branch and it shimmers! I love to wake up and go through this ritual, I have come to hate clouds as they interfere with this!

It's a lonely life out here. Very lonely, this computer is my friend during the 8 hour periods I spend alone each day! I am living in a loving home with kids that "adore" me and yet I still feel isolated. I know I'm different. I come from a different "culture" if I can call it that, but I don't see how that secludes me. It's like starting a new school or job, I feel that uncertainty in the pit of my stomach, somedays I wait till the kids leave and then cry for hours, others I want them to leave early so I can get online or take a walk. My feelings differ each day which I suppose is normal. I need to give this place time, it's so beautiful and I really want to stay.

Thanksgiving was immense. People in Britain don't celebrate "together", they celebrate in select groups, nothing is in unison. Whereas over here everyone is on the same team with one goal in mind. I sat at a table and had the most fantastic meal of my life, no kidding. Everything was prepared and cooked to perfection. I now have aquired a distinct love for pumpkin pie!
I got really emotional as everyone went round the dinner table giving thanks, little Julia said she's thankful for me - that got me!
Graceanne said she was thankful for aeroplanes or I wouldn't be able to be there, and Victoria said she was thankful for someone who was older than her yet younger than her mom who she could talk to about girl stuff without feeling embarrassed. I'm a new big sister brought to them by the Thanksgiving Fairy!! Overall It was a great day, it was like my official welcome!

To be honest, since then, everything has been an anticlimax and I know I sound like a brat for saying that but it has. Days are tedious, I visit Al's blog waaaaay too often, Youtube has grown old and I can't drink anymore chai tea! I want to sit in Tracys house, on her sofa, playing with Ellie, drinking Rose wine and watching X Factor or Strictly Come Dancing!
Or in London seeing kerry, al, gemma and abi....... I need to weigh up my options.

This is a fantastic opportunity - i reckon i should stick it. No more chickening out and then regretting it!!

The Ticket!

A ticket to London on December 23rd

Home for Christmas

Going to Tracy's house

Big yay!

New photography.

Today I had a short (and I mean short) session with a guy called Si. He lives on the same street and needed a model (haha) so I volunteered.....kinda!
We had an interesting afternoon, he tried to make me look sexy, it didn't work!
But he left me the pictures on a cd so I got to manipulate them for myself which I have had so much fun doing this afternoon!

Original and Edit
This one is my favourite, it kinda sums me up!

Original and Edit
This one is a bit more staged, it's pretty but I can see through it.

Original and Edit
I actually hate this one in colour, blacked out it looks pretty neat!

Original and Edit again
This one I was just playing about with the functions on photoshop. I haven't decided if it's crap or not so I'll put it up for discussion.
These are just my favourites from today, ones that I look remotely pretty in!
I'm undecided about Si's work I don't know if it conveys anything truly meaningful. My photographer brain says no......

Everything is new and exciting! Photo attack!

I'm here,
All is good.
I just wanted to update my little online conscience!
Here is my new room! I painted it myself.


How cool is that!
I have had a major photography attack over the past few days, I had to just kind of capture everything! Plus Tracy sent me pictures of Ellie which I HAD to put on this post because they're adorable!
Here are my feet after ballet the other night, my first lesson here. I had to take a picture I'm so immature!

Also finally here is my baby. I miss her loads and loads and loads, she called the other night and left me a voicemail that goes like this:
"Hello Hi-leeeee!
I love yoooooooou
I'm fineee
Buhbyeeeee"
Here she is.....

She's singing songs to Tigger!

Here she is at the park.......in her famous Peppa Pig top! This little girl is love- OFFICIALLY!
That's all for tonight, I think I have bombarded the web with pictures!
Take care
Hails xx

My first post from across the pond!

Howdy y'all!
I'm here finally and everything is as I left it.

I feel a little happier.
I showed Patti some of my hidden photography tonight and she wants me to post it.
Nobody reads this so I feel safe posting it here.
This one is from a few months ago when I was at one of my lowest points and I wanted to capture it. I didn't realize how much I had until I found it on my camera today.



Also this one I did on the same day but it was for a project which is incidentally still unfinished. I was studying domestic violence.

I'll bet your wondering why I model in my own images.
To be honest its because I know in my head what I want to capture and I'm stubborn. That and all my friends are extremely camera shy.
Give me feedback if anyone reads this because I would like to know what other people think.
Take care everyone
Hails x

Just for a while.

Just for a while.


Tracy (right)

I watched as the trail of people trundled through on their way to say last goodbyes to Tracy sitting in the office.
I purposely waited until last because inside I was a mess, I would have to say that word. That word that when spoken, makes my heart sink so deep into my chest I feel utterly sick.
Everyone seemed to come out with a smile on their face and I assumed Tracy was making jokes and doing her usual banter!
I slowly dragged myself through last and waited for Caroline to finish. My stomach was doing cartwheels and I felt so sick I thought "I'll make it quick". So I quickly popped my head around the door and muttered "Tata for now, love you!"
I honestly thought she would turn around and do exactly the same back, but no.
She stood up, face never leaving the floor and whispered "I can't say bye to you......sorry" then sat back down.
I stood, frozen for minutes, didn't know how to react, I pondered leaving it at that as I could feel my eyes burning, ready to cascade with tears. But I didn't, I stayed, I said "Just for a while", that was all I could squeak before the tears began to descend down my cheeks.
I closed my eyes to regain composure and was literally smothered by a warm, deep, truly meant embrace, my heart did a funny little somersault of joy and at the same time the sadness of the inevitable resurfaced.
I sobbed.
She sobbed.
Her grip loosened and I stood back, getting my last glance.
This was it.
This was goodbye.
Just for a while.
I shuffled my feet and stared at the floor, the world was one big blur. My face was drowned in tears.
She wiped them away slowly and whispered "I think the world of you, I don't want to lose you".
I managed and smile, but more tears surfaced at those words.
Never in my life have I heard those words.
I have never felt more accepted.
This was the best and worst moment of my life.
I made to go and got to the kitchen door, but I ran back and launched myself at her, we stayed that way for a few minutes, until I managed to pull myself away.
Then I ran.
I didn't look back.
I walked through the pub and kissed my baby goodbye for the last time, she was asleep on the couch.
My last look at her for a while.
She won't be a baby anymore.
She's a beautiful little girl.
I'm so grateful to have friends like them.

Do I move to Glasgow.

After this fiasco, I am no longer going to have a house over here, my mum is selling it through the court and throwing my dad and i out.
I have been offered a place to stay and a job in Glasgow- do i take it?
It's with Ellie and Tracy and Steven and Rozzy.
I think yes.
hmmmm
But what about my dad?

Drunken, Disorderly and I need to blog.

I can't do pretence anymore.
I'm not happy Hayley.
This sucks.
I'm alone.
Drunk.
Cutting.
Getting stoned.
Medication doesn't help.
People bug me.
I need guidance.
I can't do this.
I really can't do this.
Please I'm asking
Someone help me......

Travel stuff and butterfly update!

8 days......raaaaaaar!
I'm so excited but soooo scared at the same time it's not even funny!
I'm taking the smallest suitcase possible.
I'm scared.
Terrifuckinfied!!!

I gotta do it, I spoke to my girls tonight and they were so adorable!!!
Patti can't wait for me to come, she says the girls have made me loads of present and even the dogs seem to know I'm coming back.
There's no place I'd rather be right now.
I'm gonna miss it here though, London, Kerry, Al, Damian.
Work
Laura
Tracy
Ellie.......BAYBEEE! (Everytime I see her she's like "buh bye hayley miss ya!")
Stevo
My boy Lee - Love you forever!


I know this isn't the most "together" blog but it's as "together" as I'm gonna get tonight.

Oh and Ellie the butterfly is still alive, as am i!

The Butterfly Project.

Today I saw my shrink.

It was awkward.

I spoke ALOT.

He did not.

However......

He taught me a new technique, a technique that I have also heard about through Corinna Fugate (who I have written previous blogs about). It's called the Butterfly Project. Basically it goes like this :

1) Take a sharpie or marker.

2) Draw a butterfly on the area that you usually self harm. It doesn't need to be good, it just has to be there and look remotely like a butterfly.

3) Give your butterfly a name- preferably after someone who cares about you.

My butterfly has two names, one begins with an e and one with an a.

The point of this technique is- if you injure within the time it takes for the butterfly to wear off naturally, then you will have killed your butterfly, however if you donnot injure within that time, your butterfly will live.

It's so simple and I don't know if it's going to work but I shall follow up!

New Layout= New Beginnings!

I only have 8 more days left with Ellie and I'm starting to get really sad.

I took her out yesterday to the cafe we always go to.

I cried.

She cried (obviously not for the same reason as me!)

It was awful.

I'm gonna miss her sooooooo much.

If I could only dream that world away grrrrr....

Tuesday, Ocober 30th 2007.

11:55 am
I currently have Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens from High School Musical blasting in my ears as I sit on the train to London. The past 3 months of hype has come down to this, it's crazy. I always feel completely at home in London, I can be real me.I arrive at 4pm and I hope Abi will meet me at the train station. She just called to tll me she managed to get row B tickets to Avenue Q tonight. I can't wait. It is the funniest show in the world!You should see what I am wearing today, only London could accept it! I have on a little summer dress in powder blue with a cream polo neck underneath, skinny jeans and stripey arm-warmers! Totally loving it! Only 4 hours till I arrive, 8 until I'm in a theatre again yay!!!The sky looks crumby at the moment, it's kinda bright but with loads of cloud cover- bum! Worst of all, it's cold! We never get proper blue skies here like they do in Michigan, we get greeny-blue, they get royal blue urrrrrghhh!4:45 pmSo I arrived. It was a fine trip actually. We got to the hostel and it was grubby as fuck! We have an ok room though. Better than most of the others I'll bet because we're staying with the staff! We have a TV, DVD player, fridge and garden, it's awesome!Cannot wait to see Avenue Q tonight it's gonna be great!12:00 amOh. My. God!When in any west end show would you ever see two puppets having sex onstage?! Avenue Bloody Q! It was priceless, Julie Atherton is adorable! The whole show was crazy, I didn't stop laughing from start to finish!It is a really unique show because of the puppets, they're not suspended from strings and the actors have to act along with them, be their voice, and ephasise their facial expressions. This must be a challenge for any actor as they typically are not trained as puppeteers.... hmmm


Wednesday, October 31st 2007

5:00am
It's freezing and I'm currently outside the Apollo Victoria waiting in the day ticket queue. People camped last night, four of them. Amy caught my eye first this morning as she was dressed as a pumpkin and painted head to toe in orange face paint! There was also Katie and another couple of girls who I didn't speak to. They were such nice girls (compared to others that go, they make me feel uncomfortable) they have Abi and I have our usual seats!
7.30am
Halfway through the wait, Abi has decided that she wants to go to the matinee aswell as the evening show. This sucks mucho because we had decided weeks ago that because the matinee is going to be full of school children, we would go see Al in Fiddler on the Roof. Little Hayley is remotely pissed off and wants to have a fight but Big Hayley is going for the "Do what you want" technique. Looks like I'm going to the matinee alone and so is she. Do I care? Am I bothered? Yes! It's the most selfish thing in the world to do given that this trip was meant to be for my 21st birthday. At the same time I could have turned round and said "yeah I'll come with you" but her words were "I'm not bothered about seeing Fiddler because it's supposed to be boring". My response- "Fuck ya, I'll go alone!"
10.30am
Got my ticket for the matinee yay! Seat J21 today but I always move to the front row anyway because they never sell it!I'm gonna stay down in Leicester Square for a bit because I only have a few hours till the show starts!
13:45 pm.
I'm so excited because I just managed to have like 3 hours on my own in Covent Garden. I got a little hat in a strawberry design for my baby Ellie- it's adorable! Then I went to an amazing sushi restaurant for lunch, god I love sushi! Now I'm on my slow walk down the hill to the Savoy to watch the show. I like writing in my diary while I'm walking because people think you're an intellectual haha! Love it!
17:00pm
I'm perched on my steps outside the stage door at the Savoy, I have at least fifteen minutes until Al and Damian come out so I can write a turbo review.
BEST BITS
Al's trip as she came onstage for "Tradition!"
"Tradition!"- the best song in the world.
The new little girls they are amazing!
Damian's "Never trust an employer"
HENRY omgomgomgomgogomgommgomg! He is a human giggle!
Matchmaker- (Al's drunk bit)
"As the good book says"
The Dream- random heads popping up and old grannies pacemakers skipping!
The Damian and Al "dance"- mainly Al's totally disgusted face!
COSTUMES wowowowowowowowow!
"Far from the home I love"- My heart stops for the whole of that song.
"Now I have everything" - Nothing like a good bit of Damian belt. Also Al's line "Out of sight, waiting right here" is always sooooo beautiful!
SNOW!
Curtain Call - the tradition circle again, I lurve it!*********************************************************************************
17:45pm
Haha! Literally that's what I just did.
Al asked about drama.
Hmmph.
Felt a teensy bit silly sorta going "idroppedout"
Ah well!
Gave her my scabby letter,
My Cd is now ampley signed yay!
We kinda mumbled about me, scotland, detroit etc...
Did tell her about my latest expedition though, which incidently noone else knows about, oh well.

18:30pm
I just got away from the Savoy Theatre and am walking up the road (writing again) I know why I'm writing aswell. I'm writing because I'm angry, angry and nervous. I'm angry at Abi for the whole matinee thing and I'm nervous about tonight at Wicked.
The tubes are all fucked up this week because of closures and stuff so I'm gonna have to take three different lines to get to Victoria I am not impressed!
To be completely honest I am kinda regretting Abi coming on this trip but that makes me feel really guilty because I'm sure she's a really nice lassie. She just bugs me sometimes. I hope she is ok tonight.
I just got a call from her and apparently Kerry did a Question and Answer session for the kids that were in the audience and Abi got to watch. She is gonna be so full of it now it's not gonna be funny. "Kerry this, Kerry that, Kerry Kerry fucking Kerry"
I understand about Kerry Ellis, she's fantastic, I mean I've seen her over 40 times in different shows but I don't brag about it and shout and squeal!
At the moment, Kerry has had her big break and people kinda know who she is which bugs me because I saw her understudying Eliza Doolittle and knew there was something unique about her back then. That's why now I love to examine minor parts that unknowns are playing in musicals and give them support because at the end of the day they will probably be slightly more grateful. Ellie and Al are two prime examples, Nicky from Wicked, Joseph Connor- you all go "who?"
But these guys have talent, real raw talent- oh not forgetting Damian! He's awesome too!

19:00pm
DISASTER HAS STRUCK
CJ is on.
I wanna cry
I wanna have a tantrum
I wanna scream and shout
I wanna tear Abi's eyes out for watching the matinee
I wanna see Kerry!!!
I guess after my last entry karma has bitten me right in the ass!
BAD HAYLEY!

Thursday, November 1st 2007.

10:00am
Abi has gone to queue for day tickets for Hairspray. I just wanted to sleep this morning after all the crap at Wicked last night. I know I'm totally contradicting myself saying that Ilike watching unknowns but I really don't understand CJ, she kinda just says her lines and sings her songs. If I were going to watch the show not knowing anything about it before I went, I would know no more by the end because she doesn't convey anything! It's so clinical. Kerry has spunk and I like spunk in a character. So yes, last night I had to endure three hours of how good Kerry was at the matinee, I could feel my blood boiling so I had to go to the bathroom at the interval to breathe!

12:30pm
I have a Hairspray ticket yay!! Seat 21! I'm also going to the Bad Girls matinee! I can't wait I've wanted to see it forever!!

18:00pm
Bad Girls was the strangest thing I've seen in a while. It wasn't bad, I enjoyed it and the whole cast were fantastic. It was another show that I found the ensemble more interesting than the principles because I knew all about them and they had a structure to keep to, the ensemble was completely ad libbed! Brilliant!
The lighting in it was also very well done, they completely overdosed on gobos ! In a good way, the cell doors were projected with gobos and the barbed wire etc..
My one criticism was the lack of an orchestra, I like an orchestra and despise backing tracks. Backing tracks take me back to my amateur production days!
The whole show was.....strange....but .....good!

12:00am
Wicked has a contender OFFICIALLY!
Hairspray was awesome.
Elli IS Penny.
Leanne Jones is really spectacular
I will always hate Michael Ball, but when he's onstage I imagine he's a random.
The ensemble had fantastic energy, especially Nicky, cos she's Nicky!
Fab Score.
There was an orchestra :)
I really can't comprehend a proper review right now but I will eventually.
Oh and Ellie came out the stage door and went "Hi Hayley!"

Friday, November 2nd 2007.

5:00 am
Wicked queue again, but I brought my duvet today so I'm going to sleep till nine at least! Bugger all this early morning lark, it's guff and my body is dying !
Oh but we're first in line today.
I just went across to the train station to get juice and when I came back some guy had pretty much captured Abi and was lecturing her on how Wicked was an evil show and she was going to go to Hell!
I set him straight, It went like this :

"Excuse me have you seen the show?"
"No"
"So don't make assumptions"
"You're going to hell too"
"If you'd been to see the show you would realise it's about good, not evil, the title is juxtaposition"
"Suit yourself"
"Have a nice day"
"You too"
And he walked away hahahahahaha!
BRILLIANT!
Most of the wait was spent sleeping and showing the other people in the queue Al's weblog which is actually hilarious. I love the red shoe story and so did everyone else, people kept walking past and think we were loons because we were giggling so much. I was telling this american girl in the queue how I wanted to get Al a present that kinda related to her shoe story. She suggested a bear.
OK!


12:00am
General update of this uneventful day NOT!

So this morning we managed to get our tickets for Wicked and then went back to the hostel for a bit to shower and do all that shite. I love that we have a TV in our room becase we just sat and watched Loose Women and 60 minute makeover it was great. I went for some more sleep and at about three decided it was probably time to get up and do something.
We made our way down to Covent Garden to do a little bit of shopping and to get Al her bear, I was well excited. I chose a cute like fluffy bear and put a denim dress on it with red sparkly shoes. We put a voice in the middle that said "please don't lose my red shoes"
I thought it was funny :S
After that we took Rosie the bear down to the Savoy theatre and waited for Al for a bit but she didn't come so we left it at the stage door.

Creeeeeeeeeepy!

I don't know how you feel about it, but you were male in your last earthly incarnation.You were born somewhere in the territory of modern Phillippines around the year 775. Your profession was that of a writer, dramatist or organiser of rituals.

---

Your brief psychological profile in your past life:
Ruthless character, carefully weighing his decisions in critical situations, with excellent self-control and strong will. Such people are generally liked, but not always loved.

---

The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:
Your lesson is to combat violence and disharmony in our world, to understand its roots and origins. All global problems have similar origins.

---

Do you remember now?

Not....really......I would be worried if I did!
And thanking you to Al for that um.....interesting link!

Corinna Fugate- wow!

This girl is amazing!
Seriously hidden talent, she writes about self injury- but her songs transport you to another dimension if you close your eyes and give them a chance.....seriously good!

"Cold"
How can you know what I'm feeling. When it's locked inside.
To wear it on my body, tells what words cannot describe.
A thin red line tells you where the blade has been
So many secrets hiding beneath my skin.

And it's cold
Cold
Out of control.

Locked in the bathroom stall
Leaning against the wall
I know they're all waiting for me
So I'll be as quick as I can be
I see the red but feel no pain
Feels like I'm floating, floating away
And it seems I've become my own prey.

No pain, no gain, no sane
Not today, ice cube cold in hand
To numb this pain

And it's cold
Cold
Out of control

The bus.....

I didn't sleep very well last night, I thought I was gonna barf for most of it. I'm sure it was that Costa sandwich. I only ate it because I was so bloody hungry after my bus ordeal! Here's the story:
So I decided to go into town to take my books back to the library. I always take the bus because I refuse to drive, I'm dyspraxic and I wouldn't trust myself behind the wheel! When the bus stopped abruptly at the bus stop, I waited until the other people got off before I got on. Only to be greeted with "Hurry the fuck up I'm ten minutes late!" So I jumped on, startled, and I paid my money. She sped off before I had sat down and I went flying into a poor unsuspecting pensioner, I couldn't apologise enough. At the next stop there was a gaggle of single mums with their babies all in push chairs. As they got on, manoevering the buggies into place, she did the same to them and one of the buggies was dislodged and flew down the bs, smashing into the windscreen. The baby was ok but we all realised that this driver was behaving less than innapropriately. One of the girls decided to call the customer complaint line and while she was on the phone, this driver started up verbal abuse towards everyone else on the bus. "I don't give a fuck, I've quit my job anyway, the british public are all cunts!" At this point one lady demanded the bus be stopped and she dragged her young child off to protect her from the obscenities coming from this womans mouth.
Finally we reached town and I was going to stay on the bus to the library but thought it rational to get off with the others in town. As the girl whose baby had been thrown down the bus got off, she gently reminded the driver that she would be complaining and this would be settled one way or another. Then this crazy lady leaps over her driving booth towards the girl yelling "come on then, let's settle it now, go on hot me, hit me, hit me!"
She stopped when I mentioned clling the police, she put the bus into "out of service" and drove off.
We all had to wait for an hour in the cold for the police to turn up, it was crazy! And I didn't even get to take my library books back!!
What a day!!

Its all gone.

It's all turned a bit shit in some ways, but in others, it's got better. Only 20 days till i go to London and everything will be evaded for all of 4 days, then back to life, back to shit and back to lies. It's all lies, everything. The fact that I have got better is a lie, I'm worse than ever, the fact that my parents are sorting things "amicably" is lies, they're just using me! Work is all lies, how one minute I am getting a management job, next minute I'm not.
Last night, Abi, Gemma and I decided that our next trip to London wasn't gonna be self indulgent and just a waste of money, we wanted to do something worthwhile. The outcome was a sponsored event entitled "8 shows, 180 autographs". We're basically gonna get people to sponsor us to watch 8 shows in 4 days and get 180 autographs from the casts, then auction the items either online or at a special event. We all think it's gonna be a success. The next issue we had was which charity to give to. We settled on giving half to Cancer Research and half to the ward on which Gemma's dad was on before he died. So we have 3 weeks to plan and iron everything out.
yeeehaaa! Good luck to meeee!

Too much time on my hands.

Michigan reminded me of Al today. Al Silber, Al from Woman in White, Al from Fiddler.
I feel bad. She wasn't here, and I was.
It's her home, not mine. Although now I feel that Michigan is more my home than Scotland is. Michigan is where my heart is and Scotland is where my "home" is. It's not a home, it's a house.
I thought alot about Al today. Just as I was doing things, normal things, it kinda freaked me out to be honest. There are a couple of her quotes which inspired me and I would like to share them with you. I hope she doesn't mind me posting them here, obviously all content is copyrighted to Alexandra Silber.

"The Sculptor"
The sculptor can see that somewhere deep within a slab of marble, lies an incredible work of art. The sculptor is the only one who can see it, recognise it, bring it out, reveal it to the rest of us".

Ellie's choice words!

Took a stroll through the park with Ellie in her pram, yelling at the pigeons and quacking at the ducks. It was lovely, it was such a nice day here today, fab actually for this time of year. I love Autumn or "Fall" as the yanks call it, I've totally been yankified in recent months! But Autumn is amazing, you can smell the change in the air and feel the winter slowly creeping in. Ellie loves it too, she love getting on her proper coat and picking out which shoes to wear.
So we're walking through the park and an old lady is being taken for a walk by her scruffy dog who looked kind of like a beagle, some kind of hound anyway and Ellie yells "Look , a wee dog", so we go over, we talk, she says hiya to the dog then he got a bit excited and starts licking her and pawing her and being quite "innapropriate" as the yanks would yet again say! So of all things to say, Ellie yells at the top of her lungs "fuck off!"
I just about DIED! She's one ! Obviously instinct told me to yell back at her "NAUGHTY!" So I did. She apologised and said she wouldnt say naughty words but it really did make me wanna giggle!
She makes me smile, the things she says, like she'll come onto the sofa and cuddle me then say "take your shirt off" so random but so cute!
We spend much of the day loading Winnie the Pooh, Eeyore and Tigger into a shopping trolley, then unloading them, then loading them again. Hours of entertainment with three toys and a plastic trolley, or cart (yankish).
She's officially adorable!

Rain.

My baby I love her so much!

It's raining outside again, I know it's not unusual for Scotland but for once, it sounds so pretty. There is this huge harvest moon and it's orange. With a small wisp of cloud straying over it. It actually reminds me of A Midsummer Night's Dream or Romeo and Juliet.
The Street lights are out around here this week so the moon lights the raindrops and they look like sparkles. I can't believe how long I have been gazing out my window, the neighbours are going to think I'm even weirder than I appear, but they do like to watch through their windows at the same time each night when I rehearse my singing pieces! Don't quite know what they think I'm doing but it seems interesting all the same!
Only 5 weeks till London. Now I'm not at uni the time seems to go so slow. I sat alone in the restaurant for 3 hours today, I watched Deal or No Deal and Neighbours and loads more mindless garbage but the time sailed by.
Yet again I sit alone on this god damn laptop, with nothing to do. Why didn't I go to uni?
The questions are all in my brain but something said no, I couldn't do it.
I miss my Michigan family, they called the other night and it was awful saying goodbye.