Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Christmas in Glasgow!

So I decided that this post I'm gonna split text with videos because I took a few over the last few days and they're quite funny!


Roz came and picked me up. We drove up the motorway listening to the Proclaimers !




Then when we got to Leven Valley, baby was there to greet me.





She was so excited because the got a Jay Jay Jet Plane in the Play area! But I made her say hi to me on a video- she also says hi to Al!




Then Christmas night we all got munted!


HIYA PAAAAL!


I have spent the last three days absolutely munted! It's been great, me and Roz getting mad wi it!

A Merry Christmas to all,
And to all a Good Night!!!
















Tuesday, December 18, 2007

CBT follow-up.

It was hard to go to a session and not talk about past experiences which are prime contributors to the way I am now. I am a firm believer in the phrase:

"What doesn't break you, makes you"

CBT doesn't work like that. You have to discuss the issues you have on a daily basis, for example:

Situation.
Someone I donnot know tries to start a conversation and I blow them off because I get anxious.

Emotional Feeling.
Rejected, guilty, low, unworthy.

Physical Feeling.
Sick, dizzy, faint.

Action.
Go straight home and avoid them.

CBT changes your way of thinking. If I were putting it into practice, the above situation would possibly go like this.

Situation.
Someone I donnot know tries to start a conversation.

Emotional Feeling.
Empathy.....I wonder if they are lonely

Physical Feeling.
I breathe and make myself comfortable.

Action.
Recipicate the conversation, thinking of the other person and how they feel- their impression of you.

The CBT table.

SITUATION

THOUGHTS

ACTIONS FEELINGS

.................................................................................................................

I personally must keep a diary of the issue I face on a daily basis which I think that therapy can help me overcome. I told this guy that I have already kept a dairy for over a year and all it contains are these hurdles. Therefore for the next few weeks I shall be focussing on these.
Its a very strange feeling and I don't really know how to describe it, it's like someone is looking in on my life like we do when we watch reality tv and they're poking and prodding me until they get an answer. Not in a bad way at all, it's just weird, new , different- definitely a change for the better!

I

Saturday, December 15, 2007

CBT- Cognitive Behaviour Therapy.


I cut.
I starve.
I purge.
Obviously that is a problem.
I recognise that.
My GP recognises that.
Therefore I must attend CBT.
Oh shit!

CBT is a relatively new strategy. It can apparently help how you think (this is the cognitive part) and what you do (behaviour part). It focusses on the "Here and Now", finding resolutions for the issues you face daily and not dwelling on past causes of stress and pressure, trying to improve your overall state of mind. You have to think about a situation that makes you anxious, then evaluate the thought process, feelings and actions. This seemingly breaks up the cycle of altered thinking. I don't know if it's gonna work but I'll give it a try.

However I don't see the point of it.
Why don't I go to Barnes and Noble and buy a book for $10 instead of having to travel every week to this unnecessary and tedious process. If medication doesn't work, nothing will.

I shall let you know how it goes, my first session is on Monday.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Far From the Home I love.



Michigan is Cold!
Colder than anything I have ever experienced before.
I don't understand, I'm from Scotland!

The mornings are so pretty though, I look through my skylight window and I can see the frost lightly dusting the trees, the light catches a branch and it shimmers! I love to wake up and go through this ritual, I have come to hate clouds as they interfere with this!

It's a lonely life out here. Very lonely, this computer is my friend during the 8 hour periods I spend alone each day! I am living in a loving home with kids that "adore" me and yet I still feel isolated. I know I'm different. I come from a different "culture" if I can call it that, but I don't see how that secludes me. It's like starting a new school or job, I feel that uncertainty in the pit of my stomach, somedays I wait till the kids leave and then cry for hours, others I want them to leave early so I can get online or take a walk. My feelings differ each day which I suppose is normal. I need to give this place time, it's so beautiful and I really want to stay.

Thanksgiving was immense. People in Britain don't celebrate "together", they celebrate in select groups, nothing is in unison. Whereas over here everyone is on the same team with one goal in mind. I sat at a table and had the most fantastic meal of my life, no kidding. Everything was prepared and cooked to perfection. I now have aquired a distinct love for pumpkin pie!
I got really emotional as everyone went round the dinner table giving thanks, little Julia said she's thankful for me - that got me!
Graceanne said she was thankful for aeroplanes or I wouldn't be able to be there, and Victoria said she was thankful for someone who was older than her yet younger than her mom who she could talk to about girl stuff without feeling embarrassed. I'm a new big sister brought to them by the Thanksgiving Fairy!! Overall It was a great day, it was like my official welcome!

To be honest, since then, everything has been an anticlimax and I know I sound like a brat for saying that but it has. Days are tedious, I visit Al's blog waaaaay too often, Youtube has grown old and I can't drink anymore chai tea! I want to sit in Tracys house, on her sofa, playing with Ellie, drinking Rose wine and watching X Factor or Strictly Come Dancing!
Or in London seeing kerry, al, gemma and abi....... I need to weigh up my options.

This is a fantastic opportunity - i reckon i should stick it. No more chickening out and then regretting it!!

Friday, December 07, 2007

The Ticket!

A ticket to London on December 23rd

Home for Christmas

Going to Tracy's house

Big yay!

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

New photography.

Today I had a short (and I mean short) session with a guy called Si. He lives on the same street and needed a model (haha) so I volunteered.....kinda!
We had an interesting afternoon, he tried to make me look sexy, it didn't work!
But he left me the pictures on a cd so I got to manipulate them for myself which I have had so much fun doing this afternoon!

Original and Edit
This one is my favourite, it kinda sums me up!

Original and Edit
This one is a bit more staged, it's pretty but I can see through it.

Original and Edit
I actually hate this one in colour, blacked out it looks pretty neat!

Original and Edit again
This one I was just playing about with the functions on photoshop. I haven't decided if it's crap or not so I'll put it up for discussion.
These are just my favourites from today, ones that I look remotely pretty in!
I'm undecided about Si's work I don't know if it conveys anything truly meaningful. My photographer brain says no......