I don't wanna get off!!!!

You know when you see something true or something good? Something that's organically good, something that can't be tampered with, and you get that feeling; that warm, whirly, full-up, satisfying wiggle from deep within that reminds you you are most definitely alive?
Like when a baby's tiny fingers first grasp their parents hand, or their tiny toes reaction to a cold, hard floor - it's untouchable.
Do you know that feeling?
I do.
For me, it is stored somewhere up there.
I felt it engulf me on Tuesday night, so completely that I found myself utterly overwhelmed. I felt a kind of listlessness as if I was caught in some kind of weird vortex of ecstasy, fuelled by witnessing someone I admire hit a milestone.

Carousel

Ok so we got 7 days to go, that's one week till it hits the West End.
Savoy Theatre
Strand
London

Get ya little butt's down there if you wanna see REAL theatre with REAL actors and REAL music!

Astonishing green eyeshadow!

A weekend that MUST be documented!

The one and only disclaimer I have for the stupidity that was evident this weekend is the fact that I spent all week unwell, hardly able to hiccup no matter about laugh. There were five days of giggles pent up inside me and on Saturday they all came whooping out into the glorious...RAIN!

Before leaving the house on Saturday afternoon I pondered for a while over my choice of footwear, my two choices were; my cosy, fluffy yet not waterproof UGGS, or my aesthetically displeasing yet practical Dr Martens. I tried them on, my UGGS were fine but I knew I'd get wet so on went the Dr Martens- revealing some sort of cross between a spider and a punk! UGGs it was.

I swam to the train station being rudely interupted by planes, trains and automobiles on the way, adding to my dampness- my feet squelched and my jeans rustled, it was generally quite disgusting. By the time I got on the train to Victoria to meet Abi I began to smell like a wet dog ideally matching my appearance. Upon arrival at Victoria I was met by an equally moit Abi! We plodded off to find a train to Wimbledon- our main purpose of the day, however the train ticket was £2.50 and between us we only had £1.90. Many scrapings of my handbag later we found the money so off we went.

I'm always one for a good entrance and Wimbledon was no exception- I fell off the train and onto the soggy platform eurgh! Muddy kneed and slightly sore, off we went tramping down the road in search of a notebook to write Al's QandA in. Mission accomplished and we headed to Pizza Hut to get to work. With four hours to kill until Al was finished the matinee we took our time. I was so sick I left half a pizza on the plate for two hours and nobody seemed to bother us- perfect! Two hours into our Pizza Hut sitting I decided that mine and Abi's phones had known each other for a while now and they should get married, they exchanged sticks and we stuck heart stickers on them. They are now and forever officially binded!

QandA completed we smugly left Pizza Hut and trunched to Woolworths to kill time- here Abi got lucky! She found an Oyster card on the shelf next to Allan Carr's biography- it was fate!! I debated over what to get little Rory for his birthday and Abi looked at pyjamas. Soon enough it was five thirty and we made our way to the theatre.

We stopped at a lovely flower stall with a lovely man who commented on the size of my tea cup- I NEED MY EARL GREY! We bought Al some white and red flowers which were really pretty and smelled devine then continued on to the theatre. At the stage door I met a lady whose daughter had already been in Fiddler with Al last year and I was like heyyyy! We had a little banter and then Silber made her appearance. I think I am unanimous in say Al's "bounding" out the stage door like an excited little puppy always makes me laugh! Her eyes light up like it's the doorway to Heaven (should we be worried?) Finally, after two months of teasing, we presented her with the QandA.....sorry....THE book! THE book got alot of giggles and I maintain my allure that it is called THE book in case she doesn't know which book and I can say THE book! The flowers seemed to go down well and we spoke about a few things, I can't remember what but it was funny....oh! The understudy for Billy- I LOVED the way she put it to another lady "You'll be amazed by Jeremiah when you see him". <3>

After Al's bid for freedom and food we trapsed around until I decided to be a bit of an idiot and go buy tickets for the evening performace!

Row X center. OK. Not perfect. Would do.

10 cigarettes, a small salad pot, a packet of crisps and 3 imodium later.....

Stood in the toilets in "Morrissons" we decided to do the all important Saturday night at the theatre obnoxious make-up! Abi has the most lush, fantastic, extrovert makeup EVER and I <3>

The little japanese cleaning man was not happy at how long the transformation took but believe me little man it was worth it!
Be astonished by the green eyeshadow!

Are you astonished?
I am!

Post - makeuping/salad eating/ bantering with the japanese guy, we went back into Morrissons because I was hungry again.
I spotted these.......



These are Al and Damian in cookie form and by god they were tasty!

Abi however......beheaded hers :(



One was not amused!

So we got to the theatre and sat in row friggin X........NOT AMUSED! It was like watching the show through a letter box and we immediately started to conjure up plans to move to the front. Abi was genius- she caught the attention of the usher and stood up, I was like whaaat?
So she gives this huge drawn out story about how I've lost my contact lense and I can't see and is there ANY chance we can move to the front. The ushers answer "There are binoculars on the back of the chairs" Abi's reply "If I wanted to watch something through binoculars I'd go bird watching!"
<3
<3
<3
So we sat and sulked in row friggin X till the interval where I spotted three spare seats in the front row. Coincidently next to Joan, a friend of ours from Hairspray!
PERFECT!

There was extremely poor show at the stage door after, we bantered with Al for a minute before she had to go for her train and then we decided to wait for Lesley who had incidently winked at us at the curtain call!
BANTER
She came out and some random foreign guy shouted "I need a photo" and she ran past saying "you're having a giggle aren't you, it' chucking it down!!"
He followed her round the corner to her car and so did Abi (nut) and we all ended up in the rain- me taking the picture of this guy while abi talks to lesley it was hilarious.

The walk back to the train station however had to be the funniest part of the day- me with Abi's jumper around my neck because somewhere along the line I had lost my scarf, Abi in a t-shirt with battering wind and rain and the crap umbrella which I'm glad she was holiding because if I had been I may have taken off!!
The drowned rat appearance returned!
Then to bed......

I can't do it.

Today I realised..

I am not an actor.
I will never be an actor.
I cannot be an actor.

I donnot have the patience.
I donnot have the motivation.
I donnot have the stamina.
I donnot have the talent.
I donnot have the confidence.
I donnot have the money.

I donnot dare to dream anymore.....

I HATE you.
I hate you that did this to me.
That took away my soul.
You fucking destroyed me.
Why didn't you jst kill me?
At least then we'd both be happy.
You stupid fucking bitch I hope you rot slowly in Hell!

YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE ALIVE!

*To anyone who hasn't a clue what I'm talking about, just don't ask, it's a very long story and tonight I had to finally come to terms with alot of things, one of them being her and what she did to me, not nice things, things that don't bear talking about, things that people spend years in prison for, yet I stayed silent and let her win and now I suffer*

Self Injury Awareness Day Today!

LETS HELP STOP THIS SHIT!

ITS NOT MY FAULT.


It still infuriates me that people, society don't recognize self injury as a problem, its a fucking epidemic. People need to open their eyes and encourage harmers to GET HELP!
I CAN BEAT THIS
YOU CAN BEAT THIS
ALL IT TAKES IS MOTIVATION AND DEDICATION
LETS START TODAY!

Today I feel....

AWFUL!

Why did I push you away?
Lee...I'm sorry.

I think I really hurt you yesterday, I don't know why. You are the only thing that I am living for at the moment.
Your my soulmate dammit.
I remember the first day we met at college and we locked eyes and just clicked, it was so weird. Everyone else in our class thought we were already together. It's amazing to think that was amost four years ago, four years!
We've been through it all baby, we've been through it all together, just you and me.
I was thinking about the times at the back of the theatre when we had audition class and neither of us had rehearsed so we just sat and looked blankly hoping Sandra wouldn't pick us.....and she always did!
You would get up and mince through it hoping for the best and me....I would just fuck it up!
That's me
a fuck up.
Then there was "A Midsummer Night's Dream"
Titania and Oberon....me and you.
Neither rehearsed, too much time spent at the beach!
But we carried it off and got As!
The pictures, the Pizza Hut nights, the nights at Harlem!
I miss it.
I miss the good times.
I'm struck with this illness, I can't help it. I know I'm not the same.
I feel for you, you never know what kind of mood Im going to be in and you always get it....whether it be a high or a low.
I didn't ask to love you, I just do.
Ah fuck I can't explain.
I remember we had a dream to be together always, wherever I am, but the past 6 months have proved this can't happen.
You don't understand, you try....I know you try!
But making me eat.
Hiding my blades.
Stopping me cutting.
Feeding me pills.
DOESN'T HELP.
I NEED SUPPORT.
PLEASE.....before it's too late.
I'm not asking you to be a doctor, I'm merely asking you to love me!

I am a person...just like you.

I tried and tried to tell you that this would happen. My smiles never last forever. I'm cursed with this thing, this cloud over me. And sometimes its hard for me to be me.
I get overwhelmed and I feel really weird.
The people around me stare
I feel horrible.
And today it happened.
Whe I was with you
I could see it in your face...the worry, the disgust and embarrassment.
So it hurts me to say
if youfeel this way
We're through....
I love you so much
But you gotta be there
You gotta protect me
When they all stare.
You didnt do that today
You joined them.
So sorry
Goodbye
I can do this alone.

Life Backwards

Life would be much better lived backwards.
You'd start out dead and get it out of the way.
Then, wake up in an old peoples' home feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then whenyou start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
At retirement - 18 years of age - you drive the sportscar you can actually enjoy!
You eat what you want, you party... and you get ready to start school.
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have noresponsibilities, you become a baby, and then .........
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day...
And then, you finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case

The epic story of Larry the Lemon!

Today Larry the Lemon decided to go to the pub with his best friend Hayley.


It was quiet in the pub so he sat and read the paper.


When Thomson the barman FINALLY appeared, we got some drinks.


He even put his change in the charity box!



We played some pool......


Then his girlfriend called, he went all moochy on me!


We got quite drunk and Larry decided to do his balancing act on a half pint glass.....


But then.....he fell......



And.......DIED!

*OK so i got bored today, and a little stoned*

Headscarves, Green babies, Dead chickens and Big Hair!

One small word .......

Woah!
What a week!

Just one big mahoosive blur of theatres, food and giggles........Mixed with a little alcohol, a Spanish boy called Juan who I have fallen for and most importantly.......Al!

Wednesday was a splurge. I arrived in London at 2pm and spent fucking ages trying to find my hostel. An hour later and I was sleeping! My alarm rudely awakened me at 5.40pm and I scrambled to get dressed and out the door on time for the theatre. Having not eaten all day apart from crumby plane food, my tummy was grumbley and I didn't feel too good. I perservered and made it to the Savoy for 7pm.
This was the first time in almost 3 months I had been to "Fiddler", so that little niggley feeling of excitement and anticipation had returned to my stomach! I was sat in row R in the stalls, great view, not too may heads and far enough back I was level with the stage.
The performance began with the all too familiar prologue and the famous "Tradition" circle, one of my favourite parts of the show.
"Matchmaker" and "Now I have Everything" were electric, I love love love the chemistry onstage between Al and Damian and the three girls work so well together. The whole performance was astounding, to the extent that I left the theatre shaking!
I made my way to the stage door as I aways do, I hadn't told Al or Damian I was coming, I thought I'd leave my visit as a surprise pleasant or not.
Damian was first to come out and he grinned when he clocked me. We said hellos, took a picture and then he left.


Al was next. She also grinned when she clocked me and I got scared we talked about Michigan and the cold and Saturday night..... oh oh oh and the tour la de da!
It was Damian's birthday so Happy Birthday Damian by the way!
We got a quickie pic too!


I left the theatre all fuzzy inside, if a little cold. I walked the long way back to my hostel along the embankment. The London Eye looks so beautiful at night. My mind was so mashed that I didnt think to take a picture of it!

I woke up at 4.45am on Thursday, ready to queue for "Hairspray" tickets. I got there at about 5.20am and set up camp. Camp being a sleeping bag, a pillow and a bin bag! I went straight to sleep and woke up around 8.15 am when I had been joined by some strange Japanese women and a family with smelly children [see previous entry].
I ended up with seat 21 for both shows :D I made my way home to my bed for a while to get warm and sleep for a bit.
I boiled myself in a shower for about 45 minutes and then primped and posed before making my way to the Shaftesbury for the matinee.
[revue of show in previous entry]
After the matinee I got a picture with the maestro that is Ellie Collett! yayness


And then my Nicky came out screaming "Oh my god Hayleeeeey"
I died a little inside!



Leanne came out shortly after and I grabbed her for a pic....not a huge fan but she's shall we say....ok?



That was the end of Thursday, I toddled off into Holborn, tired, yet enthused!


Friday was "Wicked" day and my body physically would not move out of bed. So I got up at 11 and minced down to the theatre for a student ticket.
Row P Seat 37 :(
The show did not astound me. Kerry seemed bored, the ensemble corpsed more than they fucking sang and Dianne Pilkington sang like she had a red hot poker up her arse!
NOT IMPRESSED!
That doesnt mean I don't still adore Kerry, she is a maestro but that performance was below national average!
Still managd to get a god awful picture though!


Olli was next and we just admired his butt lol!

Saturday I went straight to the Savoy for tickets and managed to get row E for the matinee and Row D of the dress circle for the evening I was well chuffed!
Most of the morning I spent wandering, exploring and taking pictures.

The Coolest Cake Shop in the Woooorld!



Caaaaaakkkkeee!


Mummy when I grow up I wanna be a freak like him!


Actors Church, Covent Garden.



The Royal Ballet Bridge on Floral Street.


Then, before I knew it it was time for the Matinee.
I took some cheekies!









The matinee ended and I went for some din dins, called my baby, spoke to my boy and then it was time for my tour.
To be really anal, none of which will be divulged into on this blog.
I saw a dead chicken, lots of carrots, the star of David, how the revolve works :) um...... backstage quick change rooms, lots of sleeping people, the baby, um... ziploc bags with beards in, costumes....woah they're so cool! Oh and I saw Al! obviously I noticed two things during this time; the stage is ALOT bigger than it looks, given that it is a relatively intimate theatre, and the thing that surprised me most of all is that EVERYTHING that stupid Sandra taught me at college, was put into practice in this production, from writing names on chairs, to having props on a props table etc etc.... I really thought Sandra was a luvvy and talked out her arse, I have officially been proven wrong! Anyway is was a fantastical experience. Thanks Al x

Before I knew it, the whole night was over, the final curtain had come down on what had been a huge part of my life the past two years. I waited at the stage door for Al to come up and say hi.
She did and it was lovely, she was tear stained from the most poignant "Far From the Home I Love" EVER! I watched her snap right at the end and suddenly there was the snot !


We talked and took the cutest picture ever.


Thanks for a fab week. ILY

That Friday Feeling is [Insert emotion here]

In pain.
Tired.
Bored.
Yet antsy!

My bed was just too comfy this morning! I couldn't get up!
Two days of early mornings and late nights took their toll and day ticketing was abandoned!
Instead I have row P, seat 37 :(

My arthritis is killing, my hair is a mess and I am so hungry!

[moan over]

Gem just text to say she is sick and probably wont make the show tomorrow night....that made me pretty sad :(
I live in hope, maybe she'll be ok.

In search of something interesting to do this morning, I took a stroll down to Covent Garden, round the actors church etc, only to literally bump into Rowan!
I haven't seen Rowan for years, we used to sing together. She used to teach me to sing. We sang in The Fair City Singers together as kids!
Then she got into RSAMD to study opera while I was still at school.
No joke it was like a proper reunion.
So we went for coffee, talked about life, I told her about Ellie, and Michigan etc
She's at Royal Academy of Music doing her Post Grad...
It was altogether weird!!
When I was little, she was the person I wanted to be when I was older. Every essay for school where you had write about a hero.....I wrote about her! I remember when I was about eight and the little choir would go watch the big choir concerts, I would study the programme before the show to see what her solo would be. I would count down the songs one by one until she came up to sing. She opened her mouth and I was carried somewhere else. Even as a kid I knew this was something special. Talking to her brought all this back....so we exchanged numbers and emails etc.
I have to tell you about this little coffee shop cos it was amazing. You know when you were a kid and you used to read books about little cafes with cupcakes of every shape, size and colour in the window? This was that cafe!
I was in awe!
I had a huge pink cupcake with jelly beans on top!
I will post pictures when I get a chance. (I hate the lack of facilities in internet cafes)

OK OK end of story for now.
Take care all.
xhailsx

Today......I am a Tourist ;)

Today.....I am;

A tourist.
A no one.
A blimp.
A fan.

AND I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!

I arrived early Wednesday morning, jet-lagged, shattered and angry at public transport yet SO excited for the week ahead.
Nobody knows me here.
Nobody analyzes every move.
Nobody judges me.
I can be whoever I want to be!

Sometimes I feel like a goldfish in a bowl, people feel the need to analyze. If there was anything to tell, I would tell them. But there's not. So I stay quiet!
I like having introverted moments of thought.....me analyzing things that matter......like why good things must come to an end.
Good things being Michigan, the time has come to leave. The passion is no longer there, I am bored, every day is the same.
It goes like this ;

6am- get up
6.30am-get kids up
7.00am-breakfast
8.00am-check homework and pack bags
8.30am-leave for school
[Interim period where Hayley does NOTHING]
2.45pm-collect kids from school
3.00pm-snack
4.00pm-TV hour
5.00pm-homework
6.00pm-Parental bonding
7.00pm-showers
8.00pm-bed
BORING

It's time to move on!
I want to go to Thailand......or maybe Russia?

Anyway London London London.
Wednesday I got in, found my hostel in which I am sharing my room with 19 Spanish girls :S
Had some dinner and then headed off to Fiddler.
Show was amazing I shall post my full review when I get a chance.
Stage door was packed....something to do with the little girls, every parent in England seemed to be there grrrrr! Some old man stood in front of me decided to bend down and fart in my face...NICE :s
Saw Al and Damian after, talked about cheeky pictures, Michigan, D's Birthday and a range of other things.
Went back to my hostel.

Thursday (Today) I got up at 5am, headed down to Holborn to the Shaftesbury Theater to queue for day tickets. I was first there and got the same seat for the matinée and evening :D
There were lots of strange people in the queue, ranging from tiny Japanese women that didn't speak a word of English and I don't think they really knew what they were queuing for! To a family of eight who looked like they belonged in "Shameless". I could smell the kids if you know what I mean?!
Abi called earlier to give me her usual London Theater update and told me Ellie was off from Hairspray.....I died a little inside :(
Ellie is awesome!
But it turned out she wasn't off and I couldn't detect illness in her voice throughout the matinee, so THERE!
Ellie Collett rules - END OF!

Leanne seemed a little "off" today, as did Ben- possibly a cold or something but it showed.
Understudy Motormouth Mabel was extraordinary.
Nicky Griffiths just gets better and better- ;o)
The new "Lil Inez" was impressive too, shes a great dancer!
Michael Ball will NEVER get my vote, he's so corny ewww :(

So now I'm just sitting in an internet cafe in Bloomsbury with an hour to kill so I thought I'd fill you all in on my antics!
Tomorrow is Wicked Day and I hope Kerry is back.
I shall post pictures as soon as I get home.
Take Care all
xhailsx

She Breathes. She Blogs.

Today.

Today I ate

1 Pancake with bacon

2 bowls of tomato and pasta soup

Macaroni Cheese and Fries

1 Pancake with sugar and lemon

2 boiled eggs with toast and butter.

3 cups of tea

1 Coke

2 Glasses of Pineapple juice

3 Pints of water.

Words to describe Hayley today:

fat, disgusting, glutton, greedy, unhealthy, weak, stupid, disrespectful, idiot, binge eater, phsycho.

I HATE ME!

What I don't understand here is why I do it to this extreme. I always believed that once you didnt eat for a while that your stomach shrinks and you can only take small amounts of food at any time. This is obviously not true in my case. I seem to go from one end of the scale to the other so quick. I can see my stomach, packed, bloated, stretched to the limit and still I am not full, I want more, I want to eat my donuts from the fridge!

Boredom may be a factor.
I need to find an activity, something to stimulate my brain.

[end of ED rant]

It's only 6 days till I go to London, I'm actually so excited!
I get in on Wednesday morning and I already have a ticket for Fiddler for Wednesday night, Thursday I think I shall do a Hairspray double, Friday Wicked and then Saturday a Fiddler double if I can get tickets! *Everyone pray that Hayley gets tickets for Saturday night Fiddler!*

Oh. My. God. I. Am. So. Bored!

I found this and thought it was funny!
We slept rough for a week to make sure we got the best theatre tickets!
Dedcation or stupidity?

Don't I look stunning?

It snowed!

Today......

IT SNOWED


the kids park at the pub I work in (sometimes)


a picnic table.



people in the pub.




through the window of the pub.
You can see the fire and stuff, I thought it was cool :S

Good Ol' Scottish New Year!

The 5 steps to a perfect Scottish New Year!

*Be Happy

*Get Pished

*Kiss Everyone

*Cry

*Stumble home

Oh how I wish my night was that simple. How could it have been? I'm so messed up.

All day I worried about the night ahead, the socialising, the people, the pleasantries- I clammed up everytime they ran through my mind.
I worked in the pub until nine and when I finished I planned to go home.
No such luck.
I stayed, I had a glass of wine and I was under.
Under the spell that takes me every time I drink.


2 Bottles later I had settled in.
The world seemed a much happier place.
Laura came and we seemed to be having a good time, the bells was fantastic, the atmosphere in the pub was electric, everyone was having a great time, including me!
I felt amazing, all my friends were around me and this girl called Claire who is the new Kitchen Manger's girlfriend was having a good time with us. I like Claire, she's cool, proper nice lassie.

The band were fantastic, everyone was dancing, kids were running about screaming like they should!

After the bells I started to feel strange, down, out of sorts.
So I sat in the corner trying to compose myself.
But it was too late.
It had me.
I began to cough, gulp, gasp and wheeze.
Before I knew it, my whole throat had closed and all I could expel was a squeak.
Claire looked over and I managed to catch her eye and mouth "please".
I was dragged outside and she knealt in front of me,
sitting down I was still struggling and beginning to get tired. But Claire perservered and eventually my breathing slowed and I could talk again.
First thing she said was
"Fucking hell, you panic like me, you just have no idea how to control it!"
I just sat and looked at her, I didn't understand, was she trying to tell me she feels like me?
A smile emerged and I whispered "really?"
"Yes" she replied whilst handing me a fag!

That was weird.

We haven't really spoken so mch since then but when she came through on Friday I could see the empathy in her eyes.
She muttered "You ok sweetheart?" and I kinda nodded.
I still feel really stupid.
Laura has been the ony one that knows for so long and it's strange to let someone else in.
But I like her, I feel I can trust her.
Is this a good thing?

Overall, remarkabley.....it was a good new year, one of the best!
Thanks to my Lolaaaa! (Laure you love being called that!)
Claire Bear
Gary and everyone else at "The Wheel"
Buhbye for now guys I'll maybe see you at Easter
xx