This emotion I'm feeling has no shape, no fundement and no explanation. When someone you love, someone you admire, someone who has befriended you in this vortex world becomes ill. I don't mean cold or flu- I mean life threatening.
I first met Helen as Lotte was roling around on the pavement outside school, refusing to come home with me because she wanted Mummy. I could see the red mist rise just as a distinctly calming voice rose behind me. "Would you like to come to the park with me and Ailis?" she said. Like a button on her back had been pushed, Lotte dried her eyes, painted on a smile and said "Yes please Helen".
Introductions followed and it went from there; coffee, cinema and all sorts.
I'd heard from one of the mothers at school that Helen had recently been diagnosed with Breast Cancer, however there was a story attached; she had been to the doctor repeatedly over the past 3 months complaining about a lump, but the doctor kept prescribing anti-biotics and saying it was an infection. It had taken three months and ten trips to the surgery to get the Breast Cancer diagnosis.
Helen was relatively healthy, working as a nanny like myself kept her active and she was happy and full of energy! We laughed so much about the oddest of things but time with her was fun!
Chemotherapy began at the end of September and so I would miss her on the odd day when she wasn't feeling up to working, but when I did see her she was fine, looked no different. We never talked about the cancer, apart from a little update when we got together- I hate to dwell on negative things.
I first started to notice a difference in October as Helen lost quite alot of her hair - not all, just a bit on top which she would hide very stylishly with her sunglasses! Tiredness was also a key factor but she still managed the mile walk home each night with Ailis and Aiden. She was sick but she could function normally.
It was the week after Christmas that I noticed the biggest change. Helen called me and asked to meet for lunch with the kids which I thought would be lovely given they hadn't seen each other over the holidays. As she was now wearing her wig, it seemed to disguise the illness as the rest of her looked fine. Until she pulled down her jumper to reveal a mass of tumors on her left side, they were protruding through the skin and starting to weep, they were compressing her lungs and making it hard for her to breathe, also hard to eat because of the pressure. To be honest she shouldn't have been looking after children that day and I still believe that's why she called me, so that there would be another adult there if anything happened. She left the table three times to vomit and it was horrendous to watch.
After that day, Helen decided it was time to take a break from working, we would send the occasional text and have a little banter, usually about the mother's at school and how uppity they are!
I heard nothing for a week until she text to tell me she was now in Trinity Hospice on Clapham Common. This wave of nothingness washed over me leaving me completely empty. Hospice.... what does that connotate? Here is the dictionary definition:
"a health-care facility for the terminally ill that emphasizes pain control and emotional support for the patient and family, typically refraining from taking extraordinary measures to prolong life."
Terminal, prolong life, pain control.........words that hurt.
Siobhan and I decided we would visit her there- not out of duty, but because we wanted to. It was awful. The room is tiny, it smells like a hospital, it's gloomy, Helen was a different person- same in spirit but the exterior was not her. It was so surreal and will be one of those experiences that will stay with me for a long time.
Floyd; her patner...then proposed. They got married on Valentines Day.
We weren't invited to the ceremony but Ailis and her family were so they told us how it went. She was in so much pain and because she looked in so much pain, nobody wanted to take any pictures which I just found heart-breaking. Due to the pain, she was heavily drugged with morphine and so didn't recognise the majority of her guests. Floyd was so strong and kept the momentum.
We arrived onto Helen's street for the party only to be greeted by her being wheeled out of the house and into the car on her way back to the hospice. She looked grey and so so tired. They had tucked her up with a fleecy blanket on top of her wedding dress which just showed how sich she really was.
We went to the party which was lovely, everyone was partying for Helen andhaving a great time. Floyd made his Groom speech without his Bride and it was magic. Everyone toasted to Helen which brought a tear to my eye. It was such a bitter-sweet day for all involved. But she made it, she's married, she's Helen Bell.
To Helen Bell ....may you live longand laugh lots!
Good afternoon to all you lovely people out there in the dark!
