Everything is new and exciting! Photo attack!

I'm here,
All is good.
I just wanted to update my little online conscience!
Here is my new room! I painted it myself.


How cool is that!
I have had a major photography attack over the past few days, I had to just kind of capture everything! Plus Tracy sent me pictures of Ellie which I HAD to put on this post because they're adorable!
Here are my feet after ballet the other night, my first lesson here. I had to take a picture I'm so immature!

Also finally here is my baby. I miss her loads and loads and loads, she called the other night and left me a voicemail that goes like this:
"Hello Hi-leeeee!
I love yoooooooou
I'm fineee
Buhbyeeeee"
Here she is.....

She's singing songs to Tigger!

Here she is at the park.......in her famous Peppa Pig top! This little girl is love- OFFICIALLY!
That's all for tonight, I think I have bombarded the web with pictures!
Take care
Hails xx

My first post from across the pond!

Howdy y'all!
I'm here finally and everything is as I left it.

I feel a little happier.
I showed Patti some of my hidden photography tonight and she wants me to post it.
Nobody reads this so I feel safe posting it here.
This one is from a few months ago when I was at one of my lowest points and I wanted to capture it. I didn't realize how much I had until I found it on my camera today.



Also this one I did on the same day but it was for a project which is incidentally still unfinished. I was studying domestic violence.

I'll bet your wondering why I model in my own images.
To be honest its because I know in my head what I want to capture and I'm stubborn. That and all my friends are extremely camera shy.
Give me feedback if anyone reads this because I would like to know what other people think.
Take care everyone
Hails x

Just for a while.

Just for a while.


Tracy (right)

I watched as the trail of people trundled through on their way to say last goodbyes to Tracy sitting in the office.
I purposely waited until last because inside I was a mess, I would have to say that word. That word that when spoken, makes my heart sink so deep into my chest I feel utterly sick.
Everyone seemed to come out with a smile on their face and I assumed Tracy was making jokes and doing her usual banter!
I slowly dragged myself through last and waited for Caroline to finish. My stomach was doing cartwheels and I felt so sick I thought "I'll make it quick". So I quickly popped my head around the door and muttered "Tata for now, love you!"
I honestly thought she would turn around and do exactly the same back, but no.
She stood up, face never leaving the floor and whispered "I can't say bye to you......sorry" then sat back down.
I stood, frozen for minutes, didn't know how to react, I pondered leaving it at that as I could feel my eyes burning, ready to cascade with tears. But I didn't, I stayed, I said "Just for a while", that was all I could squeak before the tears began to descend down my cheeks.
I closed my eyes to regain composure and was literally smothered by a warm, deep, truly meant embrace, my heart did a funny little somersault of joy and at the same time the sadness of the inevitable resurfaced.
I sobbed.
She sobbed.
Her grip loosened and I stood back, getting my last glance.
This was it.
This was goodbye.
Just for a while.
I shuffled my feet and stared at the floor, the world was one big blur. My face was drowned in tears.
She wiped them away slowly and whispered "I think the world of you, I don't want to lose you".
I managed and smile, but more tears surfaced at those words.
Never in my life have I heard those words.
I have never felt more accepted.
This was the best and worst moment of my life.
I made to go and got to the kitchen door, but I ran back and launched myself at her, we stayed that way for a few minutes, until I managed to pull myself away.
Then I ran.
I didn't look back.
I walked through the pub and kissed my baby goodbye for the last time, she was asleep on the couch.
My last look at her for a while.
She won't be a baby anymore.
She's a beautiful little girl.
I'm so grateful to have friends like them.

Do I move to Glasgow.

After this fiasco, I am no longer going to have a house over here, my mum is selling it through the court and throwing my dad and i out.
I have been offered a place to stay and a job in Glasgow- do i take it?
It's with Ellie and Tracy and Steven and Rozzy.
I think yes.
hmmmm
But what about my dad?

Drunken, Disorderly and I need to blog.

I can't do pretence anymore.
I'm not happy Hayley.
This sucks.
I'm alone.
Drunk.
Cutting.
Getting stoned.
Medication doesn't help.
People bug me.
I need guidance.
I can't do this.
I really can't do this.
Please I'm asking
Someone help me......

Travel stuff and butterfly update!

8 days......raaaaaaar!
I'm so excited but soooo scared at the same time it's not even funny!
I'm taking the smallest suitcase possible.
I'm scared.
Terrifuckinfied!!!

I gotta do it, I spoke to my girls tonight and they were so adorable!!!
Patti can't wait for me to come, she says the girls have made me loads of present and even the dogs seem to know I'm coming back.
There's no place I'd rather be right now.
I'm gonna miss it here though, London, Kerry, Al, Damian.
Work
Laura
Tracy
Ellie.......BAYBEEE! (Everytime I see her she's like "buh bye hayley miss ya!")
Stevo
My boy Lee - Love you forever!


I know this isn't the most "together" blog but it's as "together" as I'm gonna get tonight.

Oh and Ellie the butterfly is still alive, as am i!

The Butterfly Project.

Today I saw my shrink.

It was awkward.

I spoke ALOT.

He did not.

However......

He taught me a new technique, a technique that I have also heard about through Corinna Fugate (who I have written previous blogs about). It's called the Butterfly Project. Basically it goes like this :

1) Take a sharpie or marker.

2) Draw a butterfly on the area that you usually self harm. It doesn't need to be good, it just has to be there and look remotely like a butterfly.

3) Give your butterfly a name- preferably after someone who cares about you.

My butterfly has two names, one begins with an e and one with an a.

The point of this technique is- if you injure within the time it takes for the butterfly to wear off naturally, then you will have killed your butterfly, however if you donnot injure within that time, your butterfly will live.

It's so simple and I don't know if it's going to work but I shall follow up!