Just for a while.

Just for a while.


Tracy (right)

I watched as the trail of people trundled through on their way to say last goodbyes to Tracy sitting in the office.
I purposely waited until last because inside I was a mess, I would have to say that word. That word that when spoken, makes my heart sink so deep into my chest I feel utterly sick.
Everyone seemed to come out with a smile on their face and I assumed Tracy was making jokes and doing her usual banter!
I slowly dragged myself through last and waited for Caroline to finish. My stomach was doing cartwheels and I felt so sick I thought "I'll make it quick". So I quickly popped my head around the door and muttered "Tata for now, love you!"
I honestly thought she would turn around and do exactly the same back, but no.
She stood up, face never leaving the floor and whispered "I can't say bye to you......sorry" then sat back down.
I stood, frozen for minutes, didn't know how to react, I pondered leaving it at that as I could feel my eyes burning, ready to cascade with tears. But I didn't, I stayed, I said "Just for a while", that was all I could squeak before the tears began to descend down my cheeks.
I closed my eyes to regain composure and was literally smothered by a warm, deep, truly meant embrace, my heart did a funny little somersault of joy and at the same time the sadness of the inevitable resurfaced.
I sobbed.
She sobbed.
Her grip loosened and I stood back, getting my last glance.
This was it.
This was goodbye.
Just for a while.
I shuffled my feet and stared at the floor, the world was one big blur. My face was drowned in tears.
She wiped them away slowly and whispered "I think the world of you, I don't want to lose you".
I managed and smile, but more tears surfaced at those words.
Never in my life have I heard those words.
I have never felt more accepted.
This was the best and worst moment of my life.
I made to go and got to the kitchen door, but I ran back and launched myself at her, we stayed that way for a few minutes, until I managed to pull myself away.
Then I ran.
I didn't look back.
I walked through the pub and kissed my baby goodbye for the last time, she was asleep on the couch.
My last look at her for a while.
She won't be a baby anymore.
She's a beautiful little girl.
I'm so grateful to have friends like them.