Why Abi and Hayley CANNOT EVER stay in the same house !

This is what happened when Abi came to stay .....
There were lots of giggles, lots of wine and a whole lot of BAD musical theatre !
BAD MAKEOVERS FROM THE TROC...






WE HAD COCKTAILS!


CHILLI'S COCKTAIL!








Among many other antics, these were the highlights....
A very enjoyable few days :)

When two worlds Collide.

The innevitable happens.
I don't quite know whats going on with me at the moment. I'm cold and aloof and slightly neurotic.
Here's my latest theory;


I met Helen. Helen made me feel comfortable, wanted, happy, secure....all those things. Now she's gone. The anxiety, the paranoia, the self conciousness are all back and eating at me like wolves at a carcus.


I don't know why it is but I seem to need someone to make me feel these things, I'm incapable of mustering them up myself. I need someone to tell me I'm doing the right thing, I need someone to back me up, tell me I'm not mad, make me feel secure. She did that and now she can't and it hurts.
So...my being cold and aloof is not selfish...well it is.....but not nastily, I'm just on a journey to find me, happy me, normal me and secure mewithnoissues. I must say I am very proud of myself for not retreating to old habits over this difficult time. I am dealing with it...extremely slowly...
I will go back and sit in a theatre without having a panic
I will go to the stage door and be as normal as I can be
I will buy a bottle of wine and only drink a glass
I will put on my favourite dress and my pretty shoes with confidence
I will walk around town with my head looking forward instead of down

I know I can do it.
But I'm just scared
Scared to let go and have a good time
Every time I do the guilt takes over.
Guilty for me being here and Helen eaten away.
She's happy now
Why shouldn't I be?

Squeal *Jess* Squeal!

Let's get to the point here - for the most part I find actor musician productions slightly poncey and a little bit confusing. My pre-conceived ideas along with my distinct lack of money had put me off going to see the new revival of ALW'S "Sunset Boulevard". However last night I swallowed my pride and spent my last £20 on a ticket, front row as always. I got to the Comedy theatre to be greeted with a small piece of A5 paper stating that "Due to the indisposition of Ms Katherine Evans, the role of Norma Desmond would be played by none other than Ms Jessica Martin". Yup! I squeaked and squealed and finally called Abi who joined me in no less than 7 minutes!

The set is an extremely strong point in this production as it stays the same throughout with the occasional projection onto a gold silk curtain.
Ben Goddard as Joe was phenomenal, his flute playing, his diction and his ass were all extremely tight and impressive.
I LOVED the ensemble*ness*, Tomm Coles sax playing made it for me (still see him in Fiddler though)
Then there was Jess. Her "With one look" gave the audience a mighty poke and suddenly the theatre came alive. Her characterisation was first class although she could have been nastier- a little more deep. She blew me away anyway!
I must also mention Jess' "As if we never said goodbye" my tears didn't stop they just kept coming, it was madness.
Also ALW stole the riff from Sunset for Woman in White. The opening scene in Sunset sounds like "You see I am no ghost" in Woman in White. HA! Nothing is original anymore, everything is recycled.
It was a fantastic night and I WILL be back - MANY times! Just have to make up my mind about Katherine Evans now!
We may not have seen Jess as Marguerite but her Norma was just as good !

I can't do it.

Today I realised..

I am not an actor.
I will never be an actor.
I cannot be an actor.

I donnot have the patience.
I donnot have the motivation.
I donnot have the stamina.
I donnot have the talent.
I donnot have the confidence.
I donnot have the money.

I donnot dare to dream anymore.....

I HATE you.
I hate you that did this to me.
That took away my soul.
You fucking destroyed me.
Why didn't you jst kill me?
At least then we'd both be happy.
You stupid fucking bitch I hope you rot slowly in Hell!

YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE ALIVE!

*To anyone who hasn't a clue what I'm talking about, just don't ask, it's a very long story and tonight I had to finally come to terms with alot of things, one of them being her and what she did to me, not nice things, things that don't bear talking about, things that people spend years in prison for, yet I stayed silent and let her win and now I suffer*

Too much time on my hands.

Michigan reminded me of Al today. Al Silber, Al from Woman in White, Al from Fiddler.
I feel bad. She wasn't here, and I was.
It's her home, not mine. Although now I feel that Michigan is more my home than Scotland is. Michigan is where my heart is and Scotland is where my "home" is. It's not a home, it's a house.
I thought alot about Al today. Just as I was doing things, normal things, it kinda freaked me out to be honest. There are a couple of her quotes which inspired me and I would like to share them with you. I hope she doesn't mind me posting them here, obviously all content is copyrighted to Alexandra Silber.

"The Sculptor"
The sculptor can see that somewhere deep within a slab of marble, lies an incredible work of art. The sculptor is the only one who can see it, recognise it, bring it out, reveal it to the rest of us".