Here in the Home I Love...

It's a retuuurn!

2009-04-23T06:32:00.003-04:00

Good afternoon to all you lovely people out there in the dark!

Here is the news.

I am VERY angry that Legally Blonde has stolen the Savoy!

Abi is almost in London yay!

It's sunny!

Jessica had so better be on this weekend.

I am veeerrrrry happpy today - probably due to excessive intake of Kool-Aid!

Oh and this made my day ...

http://alexandrasilber.blogspot.com/

moving on...

2009-04-12T07:35:00.002-04:00

Everyone has issues, big and small. Whether it's something major or just a fall out with friends. But most people deal with them and get over them- not dwell on them for years. I've moved on from my problems and am a better person for it... Maybe you should to!

Why Abi and Hayley CANNOT EVER stay in the same house !

2009-04-01T11:28:00.010-04:00

This is what happened when Abi came to stay .....
There were lots of giggles, lots of wine and a whole lot of BAD musical theatre !
BAD MAKEOVERS FROM THE TROC...

WE HAD COCKTAILS!

CHILLI'S COCKTAIL!

Among many other antics, these were the highlights....
A very enjoyable few days :)

When two worlds Collide.

2009-03-04T06:15:00.002-05:00

The innevitable happens.
I don't quite know whats going on with me at the moment. I'm cold and aloof and slightly neurotic.
Here's my latest theory;

I met Helen. Helen made me feel comfortable, wanted, happy, secure....all those things. Now she's gone. The anxiety, the paranoia, the self conciousness are all back and eating at me like wolves at a carcus.

I don't know why it is but I seem to need someone to make me feel these things, I'm incapable of mustering them up myself. I need someone to tell me I'm doing the right thing, I need someone to back me up, tell me I'm not mad, make me feel secure. She did that and now she can't and it hurts.
So...my being cold and aloof is not selfish...well it is.....but not nastily, I'm just on a journey to find me, happy me, normal me and secure mewithnoissues. I must say I am very proud of myself for not retreating to old habits over this difficult time. I am dealing with it...extremely slowly...
I will go back and sit in a theatre without having a panic
I will go to the stage door and be as normal as I can be
I will buy a bottle of wine and only drink a glass
I will put on my favourite dress and my pretty shoes with confidence
I will walk around town with my head looking forward instead of down

I know I can do it.
But I'm just scared
Scared to let go and have a good time
Every time I do the guilt takes over.
Guilty for me being here and Helen eaten away.
She's happy now
Why shouldn't I be?

When Rory had pumpkin pie!

2009-02-22T10:11:00.001-05:00

For Helen

2009-02-21T19:28:00.003-05:00

I'll take your laugh and smile with me
Safe in my pocket where noone can see
I'll keep them warm and away from harm
I'll make sure no one gets to them.

You'll keep them alive
Even after you're gone
So that I have something
To hold on.

I'll love them forever
Just like I loved you
And when it's time for me to leave
I'll give them back to you.

Tattoo

2009-02-18T20:10:00.001-05:00

I did it.
I got a new one today.
On my wrist.
It says
"I can"

Bitter-Sweet

2009-02-14T14:46:00.002-05:00

This emotion I'm feeling has no shape, no fundement and no explanation. When someone you love, someone you admire, someone who has befriended you in this vortex world becomes ill. I don't mean cold or flu- I mean life threatening.
I first met Helen as Lotte was roling around on the pavement outside school, refusing to come home with me because she wanted Mummy. I could see the red mist rise just as a distinctly calming voice rose behind me. "Would you like to come to the park with me and Ailis?" she said. Like a button on her back had been pushed, Lotte dried her eyes, painted on a smile and said "Yes please Helen".
Introductions followed and it went from there; coffee, cinema and all sorts.
I'd heard from one of the mothers at school that Helen had recently been diagnosed with Breast Cancer, however there was a story attached; she had been to the doctor repeatedly over the past 3 months complaining about a lump, but the doctor kept prescribing anti-biotics and saying it was an infection. It had taken three months and ten trips to the surgery to get the Breast Cancer diagnosis.
Helen was relatively healthy, working as a nanny like myself kept her active and she was happy and full of energy! We laughed so much about the oddest of things but time with her was fun!
Chemotherapy began at the end of September and so I would miss her on the odd day when she wasn't feeling up to working, but when I did see her she was fine, looked no different. We never talked about the cancer, apart from a little update when we got together- I hate to dwell on negative things.
I first started to notice a difference in October as Helen lost quite alot of her hair - not all, just a bit on top which she would hide very stylishly with her sunglasses! Tiredness was also a key factor but she still managed the mile walk home each night with Ailis and Aiden. She was sick but she could function normally.
It was the week after Christmas that I noticed the biggest change. Helen called me and asked to meet for lunch with the kids which I thought would be lovely given they hadn't seen each other over the holidays. As she was now wearing her wig, it seemed to disguise the illness as the rest of her looked fine. Until she pulled down her jumper to reveal a mass of tumors on her left side, they were protruding through the skin and starting to weep, they were compressing her lungs and making it hard for her to breathe, also hard to eat because of the pressure. To be honest she shouldn't have been looking after children that day and I still believe that's why she called me, so that there would be another adult there if anything happened. She left the table three times to vomit and it was horrendous to watch.
After that day, Helen decided it was time to take a break from working, we would send the occasional text and have a little banter, usually about the mother's at school and how uppity they are!
I heard nothing for a week until she text to tell me she was now in Trinity Hospice on Clapham Common. This wave of nothingness washed over me leaving me completely empty. Hospice.... what does that connotate? Here is the dictionary definition:

"a health-care facility for the terminally ill that emphasizes pain control and emotional support for the patient and family, typically refraining from taking extraordinary measures to prolong life."

Terminal, prolong life, pain control.........words that hurt.

Siobhan and I decided we would visit her there- not out of duty, but because we wanted to. It was awful. The room is tiny, it smells like a hospital, it's gloomy, Helen was a different person- same in spirit but the exterior was not her. It was so surreal and will be one of those experiences that will stay with me for a long time.

Floyd; her patner...then proposed. They got married on Valentines Day.

We weren't invited to the ceremony but Ailis and her family were so they told us how it went. She was in so much pain and because she looked in so much pain, nobody wanted to take any pictures which I just found heart-breaking. Due to the pain, she was heavily drugged with morphine and so didn't recognise the majority of her guests. Floyd was so strong and kept the momentum.
We arrived onto Helen's street for the party only to be greeted by her being wheeled out of the house and into the car on her way back to the hospice. She looked grey and so so tired. They had tucked her up with a fleecy blanket on top of her wedding dress which just showed how sich she really was.
We went to the party which was lovely, everyone was partying for Helen andhaving a great time. Floyd made his Groom speech without his Bride and it was magic. Everyone toasted to Helen which brought a tear to my eye. It was such a bitter-sweet day for all involved. But she made it, she's married, she's Helen Bell.

To Helen Bell ....may you live longand laugh lots!

The Red Shoes Appeal

2009-02-06T06:36:00.004-05:00

So Abi and I had this idea.
It's Ruthie' s birthday in March and she has a concert the day before... What could we get her for a super special gift?
Then it came to us. Ruthie is a patron of The Red Shoes Appeal, and we'd been talking to her about doing some fundraising during Marguerite but due to it's early demise had to put it on hold.
Well what if we do it now?
We hatched a plan to get west end performers to decorate or sign pairs of red shoes and we'd then auction them off.
The main issue was who to approach?
SO to facebook we turned, and our various Westend contacts!
So far the repsonse has been amazing, So many people want to help and they are so enthusiastic.
So, if anyone's reading this- or interested! Join our facebookk group for more information!
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/group.php?gid=50466616598&ref=ts

On my street this morning.....

2009-02-02T08:52:00.008-05:00

Neil and Rory stay in the warm

On the way back from school...

Up the road....

Lovely.....

Georgia's Masterpiece!

2009-01-27T06:20:00.002-05:00

Dancing in the Dark.

2009-01-24T06:09:00.002-05:00

I MUST blog this so I can look back in a few months time and think "what a pleb!"

Anyway...

So myself and Mr Matthew were taling the other night about him working at the opera house and the conversation drifted over to Darcey Bussell. Mat began his spiel on how much of a cock she is and apparently the technical staff have a poster of her defaced in their office. I just happen to be reading her book where she has a chapter on how the opera house staff would play tricks on her and shine lights in her face while she was doing a series of pirouettes. She mentioned that she wished she could just dance in the dark.

Well this set Mat off on a series of comedic sketches while walking along the Strand. Oh My God I have not laughed like in forever!
He began announcing ballet terms while standing still.

It went something like this....

"And Pirouette.........SPLIT!

Buerre buerre buerre

SPLIT!

OUCHMYARSE!

And up

pa de ba......pa de ba

buerre buerre buerre

SPLIT!

And Mars bar break

Up again and one two three one two three

foette one....foette two.....jump UP and land

foette one......foette two and END!

I can honestly say it was the funniest thing I've ever seen - an extremely camp, fully grown guy standing still on a street while announcing this sketch.

I said if we ever pull it off I'd dance.

A trip to the country!

2009-01-19T07:14:00.004-05:00

So this past weekend I have been squelching in mud, diving into streams and toasting marshmallows over the fire. It was AMAZING!
My friend Lesley *the 48 year old nut who has abandoned her children to move down to West Sussex with her new boyfriend* invited me to stay with her this weekend at her little cottage in Emsworth. Personally I REALLY dislike the country- I am officially a city girl and I reluctantly booked my train ticket. Only for the people I live with to turn round and say that they were going to Newcastle for the weekend and could I dog-sit. Now this made the situation slightly more interesting - Lesley has a dog, so why shouldn't I take mine. So I donned my Doc Martens and Gators and off Chilli and I went on the train on Saturday morning.
We arrived at lunchtime and I was starving - they don't feed you on Southwest Trains for some reason. Chilli bolted off the train towards Charles (their dog) and I bolted towards Lesley and Simon!
The walk to their house is through the most beautiful little path with a stream at either side and then over two big meadows, I loved watching the two dogs bounding through the grass and aside from the cow pats it was so pictureque! I loved it. I've always denied that there is a difference between city air and country air- but there IS! I was well and truly in the country and I could feel it- the feeling of freesom, that you can take a deep breath and you won't catch someone's disease!
We arrived at their house down a narrow lane, greeted by a picket fence and a fair collection of ornaments. Their house is so tiny I felt like I was in a storybook!
We then took the dogs to the pub for scampi and chips!
The whole weekend was just so refreshing- I felt like I had escaped the oppressive environment that is London.
It was short but very sweet, I will return.

Another Year.....

2009-01-09T00:35:00.002-05:00

Usually at this time of year I get all sentimental and reflective.

This year I'm going to bullet just my best and worst.

2008 BEST

Moving to London
Marguerite
Summer nights in the park
Ruthie's "fucking good aim"
Taking Lotte to meet Ruthie Henshall
Summer holidays and lots of time with Lotte
Autumn colours at Wandsworth Common
The Carousel tour
Our day out in Wimbledon
Carousel opening night
Sunset Boulevard
Stage door moments
Hayley and Abi banter
New Year with old friends and lots of rose

2008 WORST

Working in the restaurant
Getting sacked
Lack of money
Bills
Hostel living
Mum's wedding
Illness
Jukebox freakin musicals

So it's all generally quite good, I like where I am, I like what I'm doing and I am so grateful for the kindness everyone has shown me in London.
Let's make this the best year ever :)

"We enjoy warmth because we have been cold. We appreciate light because we have been in the darkness. By the same token, we can experience joy because we have known sadness"

David Weatherford

untitled

2009-01-05T10:39:00.000-05:00

Sunset BOULevard.

That is all.

Squeal Jess Squeal!

2009-01-03T10:32:00.003-05:00

Let's get to the point here - for the most part I find actor musician productions slightly poncey and a little bit confusing. My pre-conceived ideas along with my distinct lack of money had put me off going to see the new revival of ALW'S "Sunset Boulevard". However last night I swallowed my pride and spent my last £20 on a ticket, front row as always. I got to the Comedy theatre to be greeted with a small piece of A5 paper stating that "Due to the indisposition of Ms Katherine Evans, the role of Norma Desmond would be played by none other than Ms Jessica Martin". Yup! I squeaked and squealed and finally called Abi who joined me in no less than 7 minutes!

The set is an extremely strong point in this production as it stays the same throughout with the occasional projection onto a gold silk curtain.
Ben Goddard as Joe was phenomenal, his flute playing, his diction and his ass were all extremely tight and impressive.
I LOVED the ensemble*ness*, Tomm Coles sax playing made it for me (still see him in Fiddler though)
Then there was Jess. Her "With one look" gave the audience a mighty poke and suddenly the theatre came alive. Her characterisation was first class although she could have been nastier- a little more deep. She blew me away anyway!
I must also mention Jess' "As if we never said goodbye" my tears didn't stop they just kept coming, it was madness.
Also ALW stole the riff from Sunset for Woman in White. The opening scene in Sunset sounds like "You see I am no ghost" in Woman in White. HA! Nothing is original anymore, everything is recycled.
It was a fantastic night and I WILL be back - MANY times! Just have to make up my mind about Katherine Evans now!
We may not have seen Jess as Marguerite but her Norma was just as good !

I don't wanna get off!!!!

2008-12-08T16:06:00.004-05:00

You know when you see something true or something good? Something that's organically good, something that can't be tampered with, and you get that feeling; that warm, whirly, full-up, satisfying wiggle from deep within that reminds you you are most definitely alive?
Like when a baby's tiny fingers first grasp their parents hand, or their tiny toes reaction to a cold, hard floor - it's untouchable.
Do you know that feeling?
I do.
For me, it is stored somewhere up there.
I felt it engulf me on Tuesday night, so completely that I found myself utterly overwhelmed. I felt a kind of listlessness as if I was caught in some kind of weird vortex of ecstasy, fuelled by witnessing someone I admire hit a milestone.

Carousel

2008-11-15T08:04:00.003-05:00

Ok so we got 7 days to go, that's one week till it hits the West End.
Savoy Theatre
Strand
London

Get ya little butt's down there if you wanna see REAL theatre with REAL actors and REAL music!

Astonishing green eyeshadow!

2008-11-09T17:24:00.011-05:00

A weekend that MUST be documented!

The one and only disclaimer I have for the stupidity that was evident this weekend is the fact that I spent all week unwell, hardly able to hiccup no matter about laugh. There were five days of giggles pent up inside me and on Saturday they all came whooping out into the glorious...RAIN!

Before leaving the house on Saturday afternoon I pondered for a while over my choice of footwear, my two choices were; my cosy, fluffy yet not waterproof UGGS, or my aesthetically displeasing yet practical Dr Martens. I tried them on, my UGGS were fine but I knew I'd get wet so on went the Dr Martens- revealing some sort of cross between a spider and a punk! UGGs it was.

I swam to the train station being rudely interupted by planes, trains and automobiles on the way, adding to my dampness- my feet squelched and my jeans rustled, it was generally quite disgusting. By the time I got on the train to Victoria to meet Abi I began to smell like a wet dog ideally matching my appearance. Upon arrival at Victoria I was met by an equally moit Abi! We plodded off to find a train to Wimbledon- our main purpose of the day, however the train ticket was £2.50 and between us we only had £1.90. Many scrapings of my handbag later we found the money so off we went.

I'm always one for a good entrance and Wimbledon was no exception- I fell off the train and onto the soggy platform eurgh! Muddy kneed and slightly sore, off we went tramping down the road in search of a notebook to write Al's QandA in. Mission accomplished and we headed to Pizza Hut to get to work. With four hours to kill until Al was finished the matinee we took our time. I was so sick I left half a pizza on the plate for two hours and nobody seemed to bother us- perfect! Two hours into our Pizza Hut sitting I decided that mine and Abi's phones had known each other for a while now and they should get married, they exchanged sticks and we stuck heart stickers on them. They are now and forever officially binded!

QandA completed we smugly left Pizza Hut and trunched to Woolworths to kill time- here Abi got lucky! She found an Oyster card on the shelf next to Allan Carr's biography- it was fate!! I debated over what to get little Rory for his birthday and Abi looked at pyjamas. Soon enough it was five thirty and we made our way to the theatre.

We stopped at a lovely flower stall with a lovely man who commented on the size of my tea cup- I NEED MY EARL GREY! We bought Al some white and red flowers which were really pretty and smelled devine then continued on to the theatre. At the stage door I met a lady whose daughter had already been in Fiddler with Al last year and I was like heyyyy! We had a little banter and then Silber made her appearance. I think I am unanimous in say Al's "bounding" out the stage door like an excited little puppy always makes me laugh! Her eyes light up like it's the doorway to Heaven (should we be worried?) Finally, after two months of teasing, we presented her with the QandA.....sorry....THE book! THE book got alot of giggles and I maintain my allure that it is called THE book in case she doesn't know which book and I can say THE book! The flowers seemed to go down well and we spoke about a few things, I can't remember what but it was funny....oh! The understudy for Billy- I LOVED the way she put it to another lady "You'll be amazed by Jeremiah when you see him". <3>

After Al's bid for freedom and food we trapsed around until I decided to be a bit of an idiot and go buy tickets for the evening performace!

Row X center. OK. Not perfect. Would do.

10 cigarettes, a small salad pot, a packet of crisps and 3 imodium later.....

Stood in the toilets in "Morrissons" we decided to do the all important Saturday night at the theatre obnoxious make-up! Abi has the most lush, fantastic, extrovert makeup EVER and I <3>

The little japanese cleaning man was not happy at how long the transformation took but believe me little man it was worth it!
Be astonished by the green eyeshadow!

Are you astonished?
I am!

Post - makeuping/salad eating/ bantering with the japanese guy, we went back into Morrissons because I was hungry again.
I spotted these.......

These are Al and Damian in cookie form and by god they were tasty!

Abi however......beheaded hers :(

One was not amused!

So we got to the theatre and sat in row friggin X........NOT AMUSED! It was like watching the show through a letter box and we immediately started to conjure up plans to move to the front. Abi was genius- she caught the attention of the usher and stood up, I was like whaaat?
So she gives this huge drawn out story about how I've lost my contact lense and I can't see and is there ANY chance we can move to the front. The ushers answer "There are binoculars on the back of the chairs" Abi's reply "If I wanted to watch something through binoculars I'd go bird watching!"
<3
<3
<3
So we sat and sulked in row friggin X till the interval where I spotted three spare seats in the front row. Coincidently next to Joan, a friend of ours from Hairspray!
PERFECT!

There was extremely poor show at the stage door after, we bantered with Al for a minute before she had to go for her train and then we decided to wait for Lesley who had incidently winked at us at the curtain call!
BANTER
She came out and some random foreign guy shouted "I need a photo" and she ran past saying "you're having a giggle aren't you, it' chucking it down!!"
He followed her round the corner to her car and so did Abi (nut) and we all ended up in the rain- me taking the picture of this guy while abi talks to lesley it was hilarious.

The walk back to the train station however had to be the funniest part of the day- me with Abi's jumper around my neck because somewhere along the line I had lost my scarf, Abi in a t-shirt with battering wind and rain and the crap umbrella which I'm glad she was holiding because if I had been I may have taken off!!
The drowned rat appearance returned!
Then to bed......

I can't do it.

2008-03-04T21:47:00.002-05:00

Today I realised..

I am not an actor.
I will never be an actor.
I cannot be an actor.

I donnot have the patience.
I donnot have the motivation.
I donnot have the stamina.
I donnot have the talent.
I donnot have the confidence.
I donnot have the money.

I donnot dare to dream anymore.....

I HATE you.
I hate you that did this to me.
That took away my soul.
You fucking destroyed me.
Why didn't you jst kill me?
At least then we'd both be happy.
You stupid fucking bitch I hope you rot slowly in Hell!

YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE ALIVE!

*To anyone who hasn't a clue what I'm talking about, just don't ask, it's a very long story and tonight I had to finally come to terms with alot of things, one of them being her and what she did to me, not nice things, things that don't bear talking about, things that people spend years in prison for, yet I stayed silent and let her win and now I suffer*

Self Injury Awareness Day Today!

2008-03-01T17:09:00.002-05:00

LETS HELP STOP THIS SHIT!

ITS NOT MY FAULT.

It still infuriates me that people, society don't recognize self injury as a problem, its a fucking epidemic. People need to open their eyes and encourage harmers to GET HELP!
I CAN BEAT THIS
YOU CAN BEAT THIS
ALL IT TAKES IS MOTIVATION AND DEDICATION
LETS START TODAY!

Today I feel....

2008-02-29T04:48:00.002-05:00

AWFUL!

Why did I push you away?
Lee...I'm sorry.

I think I really hurt you yesterday, I don't know why. You are the only thing that I am living for at the moment.
Your my soulmate dammit.
I remember the first day we met at college and we locked eyes and just clicked, it was so weird. Everyone else in our class thought we were already together. It's amazing to think that was amost four years ago, four years!
We've been through it all baby, we've been through it all together, just you and me.
I was thinking about the times at the back of the theatre when we had audition class and neither of us had rehearsed so we just sat and looked blankly hoping Sandra wouldn't pick us.....and she always did!
You would get up and mince through it hoping for the best and me....I would just fuck it up!
That's me
a fuck up.
Then there was "A Midsummer Night's Dream"
Titania and Oberon....me and you.
Neither rehearsed, too much time spent at the beach!
But we carried it off and got As!
The pictures, the Pizza Hut nights, the nights at Harlem!
I miss it.
I miss the good times.
I'm struck with this illness, I can't help it. I know I'm not the same.
I feel for you, you never know what kind of mood Im going to be in and you always get it....whether it be a high or a low.
I didn't ask to love you, I just do.
Ah fuck I can't explain.
I remember we had a dream to be together always, wherever I am, but the past 6 months have proved this can't happen.
You don't understand, you try....I know you try!
But making me eat.
Hiding my blades.
Stopping me cutting.
Feeding me pills.
DOESN'T HELP.
I NEED SUPPORT.
PLEASE.....before it's too late.
I'm not asking you to be a doctor, I'm merely asking you to love me!

I am a person...just like you.

2008-02-28T19:51:00.001-05:00

I tried and tried to tell you that this would happen. My smiles never last forever. I'm cursed with this thing, this cloud over me. And sometimes its hard for me to be me.
I get overwhelmed and I feel really weird.
The people around me stare
I feel horrible.
And today it happened.
Whe I was with you
I could see it in your face...the worry, the disgust and embarrassment.
So it hurts me to say
if youfeel this way
We're through....
I love you so much
But you gotta be there
You gotta protect me
When they all stare.
You didnt do that today
You joined them.
So sorry
Goodbye
I can do this alone.

Life Backwards

2008-02-23T07:42:00.002-05:00

Life would be much better lived backwards.
You'd start out dead and get it out of the way.
Then, wake up in an old peoples' home feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then whenyou start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
At retirement - 18 years of age - you drive the sportscar you can actually enjoy!
You eat what you want, you party... and you get ready to start school.
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have noresponsibilities, you become a baby, and then .........
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day...
And then, you finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case

The epic story of Larry the Lemon!

2008-02-19T17:29:00.010-05:00

Today Larry the Lemon decided to go to the pub with his best friend Hayley.

It was quiet in the pub so he sat and read the paper.

When Thomson the barman FINALLY appeared, we got some drinks.

He even put his change in the charity box!

We played some pool......

Then his girlfriend called, he went all moochy on me!

We got quite drunk and Larry decided to do his balancing act on a half pint glass.....

But then.....he fell......

And.......DIED!

*OK so i got bored today, and a little stoned*

Headscarves, Green babies, Dead chickens and Big Hair!

2008-02-17T16:52:00.021-05:00

One small word .......

Woah!
What a week!

Just one big mahoosive blur of theatres, food and giggles........Mixed with a little alcohol, a Spanish boy called Juan who I have fallen for and most importantly.......Al!

Wednesday was a splurge. I arrived in London at 2pm and spent fucking ages trying to find my hostel. An hour later and I was sleeping! My alarm rudely awakened me at 5.40pm and I scrambled to get dressed and out the door on time for the theatre. Having not eaten all day apart from crumby plane food, my tummy was grumbley and I didn't feel too good. I perservered and made it to the Savoy for 7pm.
This was the first time in almost 3 months I had been to "Fiddler", so that little niggley feeling of excitement and anticipation had returned to my stomach! I was sat in row R in the stalls, great view, not too may heads and far enough back I was level with the stage.
The performance began with the all too familiar prologue and the famous "Tradition" circle, one of my favourite parts of the show.
"Matchmaker" and "Now I have Everything" were electric, I love love love the chemistry onstage between Al and Damian and the three girls work so well together. The whole performance was astounding, to the extent that I left the theatre shaking!
I made my way to the stage door as I aways do, I hadn't told Al or Damian I was coming, I thought I'd leave my visit as a surprise pleasant or not.
Damian was first to come out and he grinned when he clocked me. We said hellos, took a picture and then he left.

Al was next. She also grinned when she clocked me and I got scared we talked about Michigan and the cold and Saturday night..... oh oh oh and the tour la de da!
It was Damian's birthday so Happy Birthday Damian by the way!
We got a quickie pic too!

I left the theatre all fuzzy inside, if a little cold. I walked the long way back to my hostel along the embankment. The London Eye looks so beautiful at night. My mind was so mashed that I didnt think to take a picture of it!

I woke up at 4.45am on Thursday, ready to queue for "Hairspray" tickets. I got there at about 5.20am and set up camp. Camp being a sleeping bag, a pillow and a bin bag! I went straight to sleep and woke up around 8.15 am when I had been joined by some strange Japanese women and a family with smelly children [see previous entry].
I ended up with seat 21 for both shows :D I made my way home to my bed for a while to get warm and sleep for a bit.
I boiled myself in a shower for about 45 minutes and then primped and posed before making my way to the Shaftesbury for the matinee.
[revue of show in previous entry]
After the matinee I got a picture with the maestro that is Ellie Collett! yayness

And then my Nicky came out screaming "Oh my god Hayleeeeey"
I died a little inside!

Leanne came out shortly after and I grabbed her for a pic....not a huge fan but she's shall we say....ok?

That was the end of Thursday, I toddled off into Holborn, tired, yet enthused!

Friday was "Wicked" day and my body physically would not move out of bed. So I got up at 11 and minced down to the theatre for a student ticket.
Row P Seat 37 :(
The show did not astound me. Kerry seemed bored, the ensemble corpsed more than they fucking sang and Dianne Pilkington sang like she had a red hot poker up her arse!
NOT IMPRESSED!
That doesnt mean I don't still adore Kerry, she is a maestro but that performance was below national average!
Still managd to get a god awful picture though!

Olli was next and we just admired his butt lol!

Saturday I went straight to the Savoy for tickets and managed to get row E for the matinee and Row D of the dress circle for the evening I was well chuffed!
Most of the morning I spent wandering, exploring and taking pictures.

The Coolest Cake Shop in the Woooorld!

Caaaaaakkkkeee!

Mummy when I grow up I wanna be a freak like him!

Actors Church, Covent Garden.

The Royal Ballet Bridge on Floral Street.

Then, before I knew it it was time for the Matinee.
I took some cheekies!

The matinee ended and I went for some din dins, called my baby, spoke to my boy and then it was time for my tour.
To be really anal, none of which will be divulged into on this blog.
I saw a dead chicken, lots of carrots, the star of David, how the revolve works :) um...... backstage quick change rooms, lots of sleeping people, the baby, um... ziploc bags with beards in, costumes....woah they're so cool! Oh and I saw Al! obviously I noticed two things during this time; the stage is ALOT bigger than it looks, given that it is a relatively intimate theatre, and the thing that surprised me most of all is that EVERYTHING that stupid Sandra taught me at college, was put into practice in this production, from writing names on chairs, to having props on a props table etc etc.... I really thought Sandra was a luvvy and talked out her arse, I have officially been proven wrong! Anyway is was a fantastical experience. Thanks Al x

Before I knew it, the whole night was over, the final curtain had come down on what had been a huge part of my life the past two years. I waited at the stage door for Al to come up and say hi.
She did and it was lovely, she was tear stained from the most poignant "Far From the Home I Love" EVER! I watched her snap right at the end and suddenly there was the snot !

We talked and took the cutest picture ever.

Thanks for a fab week. ILY

That Friday Feeling is [Insert emotion here]

2008-02-15T11:26:00.003-05:00

In pain.
Tired.
Bored.
Yet antsy!

My bed was just too comfy this morning! I couldn't get up!
Two days of early mornings and late nights took their toll and day ticketing was abandoned!
Instead I have row P, seat 37 :(

My arthritis is killing, my hair is a mess and I am so hungry!

[moan over]

Gem just text to say she is sick and probably wont make the show tomorrow night....that made me pretty sad :(
I live in hope, maybe she'll be ok.

In search of something interesting to do this morning, I took a stroll down to Covent Garden, round the actors church etc, only to literally bump into Rowan!
I haven't seen Rowan for years, we used to sing together. She used to teach me to sing. We sang in The Fair City Singers together as kids!
Then she got into RSAMD to study opera while I was still at school.
No joke it was like a proper reunion.
So we went for coffee, talked about life, I told her about Ellie, and Michigan etc
She's at Royal Academy of Music doing her Post Grad...
It was altogether weird!!
When I was little, she was the person I wanted to be when I was older. Every essay for school where you had write about a hero.....I wrote about her! I remember when I was about eight and the little choir would go watch the big choir concerts, I would study the programme before the show to see what her solo would be. I would count down the songs one by one until she came up to sing. She opened her mouth and I was carried somewhere else. Even as a kid I knew this was something special. Talking to her brought all this back....so we exchanged numbers and emails etc.
I have to tell you about this little coffee shop cos it was amazing. You know when you were a kid and you used to read books about little cafes with cupcakes of every shape, size and colour in the window? This was that cafe!
I was in awe!
I had a huge pink cupcake with jelly beans on top!
I will post pictures when I get a chance. (I hate the lack of facilities in internet cafes)

OK OK end of story for now.
Take care all.
xhailsx

Today......I am a Tourist ;)

2008-02-14T13:22:00.002-05:00

Today.....I am;

A tourist.
A no one.
A blimp.
A fan.

AND I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!

I arrived early Wednesday morning, jet-lagged, shattered and angry at public transport yet SO excited for the week ahead.
Nobody knows me here.
Nobody analyzes every move.
Nobody judges me.
I can be whoever I want to be!

Sometimes I feel like a goldfish in a bowl, people feel the need to analyze. If there was anything to tell, I would tell them. But there's not. So I stay quiet!
I like having introverted moments of thought.....me analyzing things that matter......like why good things must come to an end.
Good things being Michigan, the time has come to leave. The passion is no longer there, I am bored, every day is the same.
It goes like this ;

6am- get up
6.30am-get kids up
7.00am-breakfast
8.00am-check homework and pack bags
8.30am-leave for school
[Interim period where Hayley does NOTHING]
2.45pm-collect kids from school
3.00pm-snack
4.00pm-TV hour
5.00pm-homework
6.00pm-Parental bonding
7.00pm-showers
8.00pm-bed
BORING

It's time to move on!
I want to go to Thailand......or maybe Russia?

Anyway London London London.
Wednesday I got in, found my hostel in which I am sharing my room with 19 Spanish girls :S
Had some dinner and then headed off to Fiddler.
Show was amazing I shall post my full review when I get a chance.
Stage door was packed....something to do with the little girls, every parent in England seemed to be there grrrrr! Some old man stood in front of me decided to bend down and fart in my face...NICE :s
Saw Al and Damian after, talked about cheeky pictures, Michigan, D's Birthday and a range of other things.
Went back to my hostel.

Thursday (Today) I got up at 5am, headed down to Holborn to the Shaftesbury Theater to queue for day tickets. I was first there and got the same seat for the matinée and evening :D
There were lots of strange people in the queue, ranging from tiny Japanese women that didn't speak a word of English and I don't think they really knew what they were queuing for! To a family of eight who looked like they belonged in "Shameless". I could smell the kids if you know what I mean?!
Abi called earlier to give me her usual London Theater update and told me Ellie was off from Hairspray.....I died a little inside :(
Ellie is awesome!
But it turned out she wasn't off and I couldn't detect illness in her voice throughout the matinee, so THERE!
Ellie Collett rules - END OF!

Leanne seemed a little "off" today, as did Ben- possibly a cold or something but it showed.
Understudy Motormouth Mabel was extraordinary.
Nicky Griffiths just gets better and better- ;o)
The new "Lil Inez" was impressive too, shes a great dancer!
Michael Ball will NEVER get my vote, he's so corny ewww :(

So now I'm just sitting in an internet cafe in Bloomsbury with an hour to kill so I thought I'd fill you all in on my antics!
Tomorrow is Wicked Day and I hope Kerry is back.
I shall post pictures as soon as I get home.
Take Care all
xhailsx

She Breathes. She Blogs.

2008-02-07T19:00:00.000-05:00

Today.

Today I ate

1 Pancake with bacon

2 bowls of tomato and pasta soup

Macaroni Cheese and Fries

1 Pancake with sugar and lemon

2 boiled eggs with toast and butter.

3 cups of tea

1 Coke

2 Glasses of Pineapple juice

3 Pints of water.

Words to describe Hayley today:

fat, disgusting, glutton, greedy, unhealthy, weak, stupid, disrespectful, idiot, binge eater, phsycho.

I HATE ME!

What I don't understand here is why I do it to this extreme. I always believed that once you didnt eat for a while that your stomach shrinks and you can only take small amounts of food at any time. This is obviously not true in my case. I seem to go from one end of the scale to the other so quick. I can see my stomach, packed, bloated, stretched to the limit and still I am not full, I want more, I want to eat my donuts from the fridge!

Boredom may be a factor.
I need to find an activity, something to stimulate my brain.

[end of ED rant]

It's only 6 days till I go to London, I'm actually so excited!
I get in on Wednesday morning and I already have a ticket for Fiddler for Wednesday night, Thursday I think I shall do a Hairspray double, Friday Wicked and then Saturday a Fiddler double if I can get tickets! *Everyone pray that Hayley gets tickets for Saturday night Fiddler!*

Oh. My. God. I. Am. So. Bored!

2008-01-14T15:41:00.001-05:00

I found this and thought it was funny!
We slept rough for a week to make sure we got the best theatre tickets!
Dedcation or stupidity?

Don't I look stunning?

It snowed!

2008-01-06T16:50:00.000-05:00

Today......

IT SNOWED

the kids park at the pub I work in (sometimes)

a picnic table.

people in the pub.

through the window of the pub.
You can see the fire and stuff, I thought it was cool :S

Good Ol' Scottish New Year!

2008-01-02T19:35:00.000-05:00

The 5 steps to a perfect Scottish New Year!

*Be Happy

*Get Pished

*Kiss Everyone

*Cry

*Stumble home

Oh how I wish my night was that simple. How could it have been? I'm so messed up.

All day I worried about the night ahead, the socialising, the people, the pleasantries- I clammed up everytime they ran through my mind.
I worked in the pub until nine and when I finished I planned to go home.
No such luck.
I stayed, I had a glass of wine and I was under.
Under the spell that takes me every time I drink.

2 Bottles later I had settled in.
The world seemed a much happier place.
Laura came and we seemed to be having a good time, the bells was fantastic, the atmosphere in the pub was electric, everyone was having a great time, including me!
I felt amazing, all my friends were around me and this girl called Claire who is the new Kitchen Manger's girlfriend was having a good time with us. I like Claire, she's cool, proper nice lassie.

The band were fantastic, everyone was dancing, kids were running about screaming like they should!

After the bells I started to feel strange, down, out of sorts.
So I sat in the corner trying to compose myself.
But it was too late.
It had me.
I began to cough, gulp, gasp and wheeze.
Before I knew it, my whole throat had closed and all I could expel was a squeak.
Claire looked over and I managed to catch her eye and mouth "please".
I was dragged outside and she knealt in front of me,
sitting down I was still struggling and beginning to get tired. But Claire perservered and eventually my breathing slowed and I could talk again.
First thing she said was
"Fucking hell, you panic like me, you just have no idea how to control it!"
I just sat and looked at her, I didn't understand, was she trying to tell me she feels like me?
A smile emerged and I whispered "really?"
"Yes" she replied whilst handing me a fag!

That was weird.

We haven't really spoken so mch since then but when she came through on Friday I could see the empathy in her eyes.
She muttered "You ok sweetheart?" and I kinda nodded.
I still feel really stupid.
Laura has been the ony one that knows for so long and it's strange to let someone else in.
But I like her, I feel I can trust her.
Is this a good thing?

Overall, remarkabley.....it was a good new year, one of the best!
Thanks to my Lolaaaa! (Laure you love being called that!)
Claire Bear
Gary and everyone else at "The Wheel"
Buhbye for now guys I'll maybe see you at Easter
xx

Christmas in Glasgow!

2007-12-26T13:27:00.000-05:00

So I decided that this post I'm gonna split text with videos because I took a few over the last few days and they're quite funny!

Roz came and picked me up. We drove up the motorway listening to the Proclaimers !

Then when we got to Leven Valley, baby was there to greet me.

She was so excited because the got a Jay Jay Jet Plane in the Play area! But I made her say hi to me on a video- she also says hi to Al!

Then Christmas night we all got munted!

HIYA PAAAAL!

I have spent the last three days absolutely munted! It's been great, me and Roz getting mad wi it!

A Merry Christmas to all,

And to all a Good Night!!!

Christmas Update

2007-12-20T18:29:00.001-05:00

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

CBT follow-up.

2007-12-18T15:13:00.000-05:00

It was hard to go to a session and not talk about past experiences which are prime contributors to the way I am now. I am a firm believer in the phrase:

"What doesn't break you, makes you"

CBT doesn't work like that. You have to discuss the issues you have on a daily basis, for example:

Situation.
Someone I donnot know tries to start a conversation and I blow them off because I get anxious.

Emotional Feeling.
Rejected, guilty, low, unworthy.

Physical Feeling.
Sick, dizzy, faint.

Action.
Go straight home and avoid them.

CBT changes your way of thinking. If I were putting it into practice, the above situation would possibly go like this.

Situation.
Someone I donnot know tries to start a conversation.

Emotional Feeling.
Empathy.....I wonder if they are lonely

Physical Feeling.
I breathe and make myself comfortable.

Action.
Recipicate the conversation, thinking of the other person and how they feel- their impression of you.

The CBT table.

SITUATION

THOUGHTS

ACTIONS FEELINGS

.................................................................................................................
I personally must keep a diary of the issue I face on a daily basis which I think that therapy can help me overcome. I told this guy that I have already kept a dairy for over a year and all it contains are these hurdles. Therefore for the next few weeks I shall be focussing on these.
Its a very strange feeling and I don't really know how to describe it, it's like someone is looking in on my life like we do when we watch reality tv and they're poking and prodding me until they get an answer. Not in a bad way at all, it's just weird, new , different- definitely a change for the better!

I

CBT- Cognitive Behaviour Therapy.

2007-12-15T19:17:00.000-05:00

I cut.
I starve.
I purge.
Obviously that is a problem.
I recognise that.
My GP recognises that.
Therefore I must attend CBT.
Oh shit!

CBT is a relatively new strategy. It can apparently help how you think (this is the cognitive part) and what you do (behaviour part). It focusses on the "Here and Now", finding resolutions for the issues you face daily and not dwelling on past causes of stress and pressure, trying to improve your overall state of mind. You have to think about a situation that makes you anxious, then evaluate the thought process, feelings and actions. This seemingly breaks up the cycle of altered thinking. I don't know if it's gonna work but I'll give it a try.

However I don't see the point of it.
Why don't I go to Barnes and Noble and buy a book for $10 instead of having to travel every week to this unnecessary and tedious process. If medication doesn't work, nothing will.

I shall let you know how it goes, my first session is on Monday.

Far From the Home I love.

2007-12-14T18:06:00.000-05:00

Michigan is Cold!
Colder than anything I have ever experienced before.
I don't understand, I'm from Scotland!

The mornings are so pretty though, I look through my skylight window and I can see the frost lightly dusting the trees, the light catches a branch and it shimmers! I love to wake up and go through this ritual, I have come to hate clouds as they interfere with this!

It's a lonely life out here. Very lonely, this computer is my friend during the 8 hour periods I spend alone each day! I am living in a loving home with kids that "adore" me and yet I still feel isolated. I know I'm different. I come from a different "culture" if I can call it that, but I don't see how that secludes me. It's like starting a new school or job, I feel that uncertainty in the pit of my stomach, somedays I wait till the kids leave and then cry for hours, others I want them to leave early so I can get online or take a walk. My feelings differ each day which I suppose is normal. I need to give this place time, it's so beautiful and I really want to stay.

Thanksgiving was immense. People in Britain don't celebrate "together", they celebrate in select groups, nothing is in unison. Whereas over here everyone is on the same team with one goal in mind. I sat at a table and had the most fantastic meal of my life, no kidding. Everything was prepared and cooked to perfection. I now have aquired a distinct love for pumpkin pie!
I got really emotional as everyone went round the dinner table giving thanks, little Julia said she's thankful for me - that got me!
Graceanne said she was thankful for aeroplanes or I wouldn't be able to be there, and Victoria said she was thankful for someone who was older than her yet younger than her mom who she could talk to about girl stuff without feeling embarrassed. I'm a new big sister brought to them by the Thanksgiving Fairy!! Overall It was a great day, it was like my official welcome!

To be honest, since then, everything has been an anticlimax and I know I sound like a brat for saying that but it has. Days are tedious, I visit Al's blog waaaaay too often, Youtube has grown old and I can't drink anymore chai tea! I want to sit in Tracys house, on her sofa, playing with Ellie, drinking Rose wine and watching X Factor or Strictly Come Dancing!
Or in London seeing kerry, al, gemma and abi....... I need to weigh up my options.

This is a fantastic opportunity - i reckon i should stick it. No more chickening out and then regretting it!!

The Ticket!

2007-12-07T17:17:00.001-05:00

A ticket to London on December 23rd

Home for Christmas

Going to Tracy's house

Big yay!

New photography.

2007-12-04T17:18:00.000-05:00

Today I had a short (and I mean short) session with a guy called Si. He lives on the same street and needed a model (haha) so I volunteered.....kinda!
We had an interesting afternoon, he tried to make me look sexy, it didn't work!
But he left me the pictures on a cd so I got to manipulate them for myself which I have had so much fun doing this afternoon!

Original and Edit
This one is my favourite, it kinda sums me up!

Original and Edit
This one is a bit more staged, it's pretty but I can see through it.

Original and Edit
I actually hate this one in colour, blacked out it looks pretty neat!

Original and Edit again
This one I was just playing about with the functions on photoshop. I haven't decided if it's crap or not so I'll put it up for discussion.
These are just my favourites from today, ones that I look remotely pretty in!
I'm undecided about Si's work I don't know if it conveys anything truly meaningful. My photographer brain says no......

Everything is new and exciting! Photo attack!

2007-11-29T19:42:00.000-05:00

I'm here,
All is good.
I just wanted to update my little online conscience!
Here is my new room! I painted it myself.

How cool is that!
I have had a major photography attack over the past few days, I had to just kind of capture everything! Plus Tracy sent me pictures of Ellie which I HAD to put on this post because they're adorable!
Here are my feet after ballet the other night, my first lesson here. I had to take a picture I'm so immature!

Also finally here is my baby. I miss her loads and loads and loads, she called the other night and left me a voicemail that goes like this:
"Hello Hi-leeeee!
I love yoooooooou
I'm fineee
Buhbyeeeee"
Here she is.....

She's singing songs to Tigger!

Here she is at the park.......in her famous Peppa Pig top! This little girl is love- OFFICIALLY!
That's all for tonight, I think I have bombarded the web with pictures!
Take care
Hails xx

My first post from across the pond!

2007-11-23T21:55:00.000-05:00

Howdy y'all!
I'm here finally and everything is as I left it.

I feel a little happier.
I showed Patti some of my hidden photography tonight and she wants me to post it.
Nobody reads this so I feel safe posting it here.
This one is from a few months ago when I was at one of my lowest points and I wanted to capture it. I didn't realize how much I had until I found it on my camera today.

Also this one I did on the same day but it was for a project which is incidentally still unfinished. I was studying domestic violence.

I'll bet your wondering why I model in my own images.
To be honest its because I know in my head what I want to capture and I'm stubborn. That and all my friends are extremely camera shy.
Give me feedback if anyone reads this because I would like to know what other people think.
Take care everyone
Hails x

Just for a while.

2007-11-20T15:24:00.000-05:00

Just for a while.

Tracy (right)

I watched as the trail of people trundled through on their way to say last goodbyes to Tracy sitting in the office.
I purposely waited until last because inside I was a mess, I would have to say that word. That word that when spoken, makes my heart sink so deep into my chest I feel utterly sick.
Everyone seemed to come out with a smile on their face and I assumed Tracy was making jokes and doing her usual banter!
I slowly dragged myself through last and waited for Caroline to finish. My stomach was doing cartwheels and I felt so sick I thought "I'll make it quick". So I quickly popped my head around the door and muttered "Tata for now, love you!"
I honestly thought she would turn around and do exactly the same back, but no.
She stood up, face never leaving the floor and whispered "I can't say bye to you......sorry" then sat back down.
I stood, frozen for minutes, didn't know how to react, I pondered leaving it at that as I could feel my eyes burning, ready to cascade with tears. But I didn't, I stayed, I said "Just for a while", that was all I could squeak before the tears began to descend down my cheeks.
I closed my eyes to regain composure and was literally smothered by a warm, deep, truly meant embrace, my heart did a funny little somersault of joy and at the same time the sadness of the inevitable resurfaced.
I sobbed.
She sobbed.
Her grip loosened and I stood back, getting my last glance.
This was it.
This was goodbye.
Just for a while.
I shuffled my feet and stared at the floor, the world was one big blur. My face was drowned in tears.
She wiped them away slowly and whispered "I think the world of you, I don't want to lose you".
I managed and smile, but more tears surfaced at those words.
Never in my life have I heard those words.
I have never felt more accepted.
This was the best and worst moment of my life.
I made to go and got to the kitchen door, but I ran back and launched myself at her, we stayed that way for a few minutes, until I managed to pull myself away.
Then I ran.
I didn't look back.
I walked through the pub and kissed my baby goodbye for the last time, she was asleep on the couch.
My last look at her for a while.
She won't be a baby anymore.
She's a beautiful little girl.
I'm so grateful to have friends like them.

Do I move to Glasgow.

2007-11-18T19:15:00.000-05:00

After this fiasco, I am no longer going to have a house over here, my mum is selling it through the court and throwing my dad and i out.
I have been offered a place to stay and a job in Glasgow- do i take it?
It's with Ellie and Tracy and Steven and Rozzy.
I think yes.
hmmmm
But what about my dad?

Drunken, Disorderly and I need to blog.

2007-11-17T20:49:00.000-05:00

I can't do pretence anymore.
I'm not happy Hayley.
This sucks.
I'm alone.
Drunk.
Cutting.
Getting stoned.
Medication doesn't help.
People bug me.
I need guidance.
I can't do this.
I really can't do this.
Please I'm asking
Someone help me......

Travel stuff and butterfly update!

2007-11-15T19:34:00.000-05:00

8 days......raaaaaaar!
I'm so excited but soooo scared at the same time it's not even funny!
I'm taking the smallest suitcase possible.
I'm scared.
Terrifuckinfied!!!

I gotta do it, I spoke to my girls tonight and they were so adorable!!!
Patti can't wait for me to come, she says the girls have made me loads of present and even the dogs seem to know I'm coming back.
There's no place I'd rather be right now.
I'm gonna miss it here though, London, Kerry, Al, Damian.
Work
Laura
Tracy
Ellie.......BAYBEEE! (Everytime I see her she's like "buh bye hayley miss ya!")
Stevo
My boy Lee - Love you forever!

I know this isn't the most "together" blog but it's as "together" as I'm gonna get tonight.

Oh and Ellie the butterfly is still alive, as am i!

The Butterfly Project.

2007-11-14T19:09:00.000-05:00

Today I saw my shrink.

It was awkward.

I spoke ALOT.

He did not.

However......

He taught me a new technique, a technique that I have also heard about through Corinna Fugate (who I have written previous blogs about). It's called the Butterfly Project. Basically it goes like this :

1) Take a sharpie or marker.

2) Draw a butterfly on the area that you usually self harm. It doesn't need to be good, it just has to be there and look remotely like a butterfly.

3) Give your butterfly a name- preferably after someone who cares about you.

My butterfly has two names, one begins with an e and one with an a.

The point of this technique is- if you injure within the time it takes for the butterfly to wear off naturally, then you will have killed your butterfly, however if you donnot injure within that time, your butterfly will live.

It's so simple and I don't know if it's going to work but I shall follow up!

New Layout= New Beginnings!

2007-11-13T09:37:00.000-05:00

I only have 8 more days left with Ellie and I'm starting to get really sad.

I took her out yesterday to the cafe we always go to.

I cried.

She cried (obviously not for the same reason as me!)

It was awful.

I'm gonna miss her sooooooo much.

If I could only dream that world away grrrrr....

2007-11-08T10:34:00.000-05:00

Tuesday, Ocober 30th 2007.

11:55 am
I currently have Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens from High School Musical blasting in my ears as I sit on the train to London. The past 3 months of hype has come down to this, it's crazy. I always feel completely at home in London, I can be real me.I arrive at 4pm and I hope Abi will meet me at the train station. She just called to tll me she managed to get row B tickets to Avenue Q tonight. I can't wait. It is the funniest show in the world!You should see what I am wearing today, only London could accept it! I have on a little summer dress in powder blue with a cream polo neck underneath, skinny jeans and stripey arm-warmers! Totally loving it! Only 4 hours till I arrive, 8 until I'm in a theatre again yay!!!The sky looks crumby at the moment, it's kinda bright but with loads of cloud cover- bum! Worst of all, it's cold! We never get proper blue skies here like they do in Michigan, we get greeny-blue, they get royal blue urrrrrghhh!4:45 pmSo I arrived. It was a fine trip actually. We got to the hostel and it was grubby as fuck! We have an ok room though. Better than most of the others I'll bet because we're staying with the staff! We have a TV, DVD player, fridge and garden, it's awesome!Cannot wait to see Avenue Q tonight it's gonna be great!12:00 amOh. My. God!When in any west end show would you ever see two puppets having sex onstage?! Avenue Bloody Q! It was priceless, Julie Atherton is adorable! The whole show was crazy, I didn't stop laughing from start to finish!It is a really unique show because of the puppets, they're not suspended from strings and the actors have to act along with them, be their voice, and ephasise their facial expressions. This must be a challenge for any actor as they typically are not trained as puppeteers.... hmmm

Wednesday, October 31st 2007

5:00am
It's freezing and I'm currently outside the Apollo Victoria waiting in the day ticket queue. People camped last night, four of them. Amy caught my eye first this morning as she was dressed as a pumpkin and painted head to toe in orange face paint! There was also Katie and another couple of girls who I didn't speak to. They were such nice girls (compared to others that go, they make me feel uncomfortable) they have Abi and I have our usual seats!
7.30am
Halfway through the wait, Abi has decided that she wants to go to the matinee aswell as the evening show. This sucks mucho because we had decided weeks ago that because the matinee is going to be full of school children, we would go see Al in Fiddler on the Roof. Little Hayley is remotely pissed off and wants to have a fight but Big Hayley is going for the "Do what you want" technique. Looks like I'm going to the matinee alone and so is she. Do I care? Am I bothered? Yes! It's the most selfish thing in the world to do given that this trip was meant to be for my 21st birthday. At the same time I could have turned round and said "yeah I'll come with you" but her words were "I'm not bothered about seeing Fiddler because it's supposed to be boring". My response- "Fuck ya, I'll go alone!"
10.30am
Got my ticket for the matinee yay! Seat J21 today but I always move to the front row anyway because they never sell it!I'm gonna stay down in Leicester Square for a bit because I only have a few hours till the show starts!
13:45 pm.
I'm so excited because I just managed to have like 3 hours on my own in Covent Garden. I got a little hat in a strawberry design for my baby Ellie- it's adorable! Then I went to an amazing sushi restaurant for lunch, god I love sushi! Now I'm on my slow walk down the hill to the Savoy to watch the show. I like writing in my diary while I'm walking because people think you're an intellectual haha! Love it!
17:00pm
I'm perched on my steps outside the stage door at the Savoy, I have at least fifteen minutes until Al and Damian come out so I can write a turbo review.
BEST BITS
Al's trip as she came onstage for "Tradition!"
"Tradition!"- the best song in the world.
The new little girls they are amazing!
Damian's "Never trust an employer"
HENRY omgomgomgomgogomgommgomg! He is a human giggle!
Matchmaker- (Al's drunk bit)
"As the good book says"
The Dream- random heads popping up and old grannies pacemakers skipping!
The Damian and Al "dance"- mainly Al's totally disgusted face!
COSTUMES wowowowowowowowow!
"Far from the home I love"- My heart stops for the whole of that song.
"Now I have everything" - Nothing like a good bit of Damian belt. Also Al's line "Out of sight, waiting right here" is always sooooo beautiful!
SNOW!
Curtain Call - the tradition circle again, I lurve it!*********************************************************************************
17:45pm
Haha! Literally that's what I just did.
Al asked about drama.
Hmmph.
Felt a teensy bit silly sorta going "idroppedout"
Ah well!
Gave her my scabby letter,
My Cd is now ampley signed yay!
We kinda mumbled about me, scotland, detroit etc...
Did tell her about my latest expedition though, which incidently noone else knows about, oh well.

18:30pm
I just got away from the Savoy Theatre and am walking up the road (writing again) I know why I'm writing aswell. I'm writing because I'm angry, angry and nervous. I'm angry at Abi for the whole matinee thing and I'm nervous about tonight at Wicked.
The tubes are all fucked up this week because of closures and stuff so I'm gonna have to take three different lines to get to Victoria I am not impressed!
To be completely honest I am kinda regretting Abi coming on this trip but that makes me feel really guilty because I'm sure she's a really nice lassie. She just bugs me sometimes. I hope she is ok tonight.
I just got a call from her and apparently Kerry did a Question and Answer session for the kids that were in the audience and Abi got to watch. She is gonna be so full of it now it's not gonna be funny. "Kerry this, Kerry that, Kerry Kerry fucking Kerry"
I understand about Kerry Ellis, she's fantastic, I mean I've seen her over 40 times in different shows but I don't brag about it and shout and squeal!
At the moment, Kerry has had her big break and people kinda know who she is which bugs me because I saw her understudying Eliza Doolittle and knew there was something unique about her back then. That's why now I love to examine minor parts that unknowns are playing in musicals and give them support because at the end of the day they will probably be slightly more grateful. Ellie and Al are two prime examples, Nicky from Wicked, Joseph Connor- you all go "who?"
But these guys have talent, real raw talent- oh not forgetting Damian! He's awesome too!

19:00pm
DISASTER HAS STRUCK
CJ is on.
I wanna cry
I wanna have a tantrum
I wanna scream and shout
I wanna tear Abi's eyes out for watching the matinee
I wanna see Kerry!!!
I guess after my last entry karma has bitten me right in the ass!
BAD HAYLEY!

Thursday, November 1st 2007.

10:00am
Abi has gone to queue for day tickets for Hairspray. I just wanted to sleep this morning after all the crap at Wicked last night. I know I'm totally contradicting myself saying that Ilike watching unknowns but I really don't understand CJ, she kinda just says her lines and sings her songs. If I were going to watch the show not knowing anything about it before I went, I would know no more by the end because she doesn't convey anything! It's so clinical. Kerry has spunk and I like spunk in a character. So yes, last night I had to endure three hours of how good Kerry was at the matinee, I could feel my blood boiling so I had to go to the bathroom at the interval to breathe!

12:30pm
I have a Hairspray ticket yay!! Seat 21! I'm also going to the Bad Girls matinee! I can't wait I've wanted to see it forever!!

18:00pm
Bad Girls was the strangest thing I've seen in a while. It wasn't bad, I enjoyed it and the whole cast were fantastic. It was another show that I found the ensemble more interesting than the principles because I knew all about them and they had a structure to keep to, the ensemble was completely ad libbed! Brilliant!
The lighting in it was also very well done, they completely overdosed on gobos ! In a good way, the cell doors were projected with gobos and the barbed wire etc..
My one criticism was the lack of an orchestra, I like an orchestra and despise backing tracks. Backing tracks take me back to my amateur production days!
The whole show was.....strange....but .....good!

12:00am
Wicked has a contender OFFICIALLY!
Hairspray was awesome.
Elli IS Penny.
Leanne Jones is really spectacular
I will always hate Michael Ball, but when he's onstage I imagine he's a random.
The ensemble had fantastic energy, especially Nicky, cos she's Nicky!
Fab Score.
There was an orchestra :)
I really can't comprehend a proper review right now but I will eventually.
Oh and Ellie came out the stage door and went "Hi Hayley!"

Friday, November 2nd 2007.

5:00 am
Wicked queue again, but I brought my duvet today so I'm going to sleep till nine at least! Bugger all this early morning lark, it's guff and my body is dying !
Oh but we're first in line today.
I just went across to the train station to get juice and when I came back some guy had pretty much captured Abi and was lecturing her on how Wicked was an evil show and she was going to go to Hell!
I set him straight, It went like this :

"Excuse me have you seen the show?"
"No"
"So don't make assumptions"
"You're going to hell too"
"If you'd been to see the show you would realise it's about good, not evil, the title is juxtaposition"
"Suit yourself"
"Have a nice day"
"You too"
And he walked away hahahahahaha!
BRILLIANT!
Most of the wait was spent sleeping and showing the other people in the queue Al's weblog which is actually hilarious. I love the red shoe story and so did everyone else, people kept walking past and think we were loons because we were giggling so much. I was telling this american girl in the queue how I wanted to get Al a present that kinda related to her shoe story. She suggested a bear.
OK!

12:00am
General update of this uneventful day NOT!

So this morning we managed to get our tickets for Wicked and then went back to the hostel for a bit to shower and do all that shite. I love that we have a TV in our room becase we just sat and watched Loose Women and 60 minute makeover it was great. I went for some more sleep and at about three decided it was probably time to get up and do something.
We made our way down to Covent Garden to do a little bit of shopping and to get Al her bear, I was well excited. I chose a cute like fluffy bear and put a denim dress on it with red sparkly shoes. We put a voice in the middle that said "please don't lose my red shoes"
I thought it was funny :S
After that we took Rosie the bear down to the Savoy theatre and waited for Al for a bit but she didn't come so we left it at the stage door.

Creeeeeeeeeepy!

2007-10-31T13:43:00.000-04:00

I don't know how you feel about it, but you were male in your last earthly incarnation.You were born somewhere in the territory of modern Phillippines around the year 775. Your profession was that of a writer, dramatist or organiser of rituals.

Your brief psychological profile in your past life:
Ruthless character, carefully weighing his decisions in critical situations, with excellent self-control and strong will. Such people are generally liked, but not always loved.

The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:
Your lesson is to combat violence and disharmony in our world, to understand its roots and origins. All global problems have similar origins.

Do you remember now?

Not....really......I would be worried if I did!
And thanking you to Al for that um.....interesting link!

Corinna Fugate- wow!

2007-10-24T16:26:00.000-04:00

This girl is amazing!
Seriously hidden talent, she writes about self injury- but her songs transport you to another dimension if you close your eyes and give them a chance.....seriously good!

"Cold"
How can you know what I'm feeling. When it's locked inside.
To wear it on my body, tells what words cannot describe.
A thin red line tells you where the blade has been
So many secrets hiding beneath my skin.

And it's cold
Cold
Out of control.

Locked in the bathroom stall
Leaning against the wall
I know they're all waiting for me
So I'll be as quick as I can be
I see the red but feel no pain
Feels like I'm floating, floating away
And it seems I've become my own prey.

No pain, no gain, no sane
Not today, ice cube cold in hand
To numb this pain

And it's cold
Cold
Out of control

The bus.....

2007-10-24T13:23:00.000-04:00

I didn't sleep very well last night, I thought I was gonna barf for most of it. I'm sure it was that Costa sandwich. I only ate it because I was so bloody hungry after my bus ordeal! Here's the story:
So I decided to go into town to take my books back to the library. I always take the bus because I refuse to drive, I'm dyspraxic and I wouldn't trust myself behind the wheel! When the bus stopped abruptly at the bus stop, I waited until the other people got off before I got on. Only to be greeted with "Hurry the fuck up I'm ten minutes late!" So I jumped on, startled, and I paid my money. She sped off before I had sat down and I went flying into a poor unsuspecting pensioner, I couldn't apologise enough. At the next stop there was a gaggle of single mums with their babies all in push chairs. As they got on, manoevering the buggies into place, she did the same to them and one of the buggies was dislodged and flew down the bs, smashing into the windscreen. The baby was ok but we all realised that this driver was behaving less than innapropriately. One of the girls decided to call the customer complaint line and while she was on the phone, this driver started up verbal abuse towards everyone else on the bus. "I don't give a fuck, I've quit my job anyway, the british public are all cunts!" At this point one lady demanded the bus be stopped and she dragged her young child off to protect her from the obscenities coming from this womans mouth.
Finally we reached town and I was going to stay on the bus to the library but thought it rational to get off with the others in town. As the girl whose baby had been thrown down the bus got off, she gently reminded the driver that she would be complaining and this would be settled one way or another. Then this crazy lady leaps over her driving booth towards the girl yelling "come on then, let's settle it now, go on hot me, hit me, hit me!"
She stopped when I mentioned clling the police, she put the bus into "out of service" and drove off.
We all had to wait for an hour in the cold for the police to turn up, it was crazy! And I didn't even get to take my library books back!!
What a day!!

Its all gone.

2007-10-11T17:49:00.001-04:00

It's all turned a bit shit in some ways, but in others, it's got better. Only 20 days till i go to London and everything will be evaded for all of 4 days, then back to life, back to shit and back to lies. It's all lies, everything. The fact that I have got better is a lie, I'm worse than ever, the fact that my parents are sorting things "amicably" is lies, they're just using me! Work is all lies, how one minute I am getting a management job, next minute I'm not.
Last night, Abi, Gemma and I decided that our next trip to London wasn't gonna be self indulgent and just a waste of money, we wanted to do something worthwhile. The outcome was a sponsored event entitled "8 shows, 180 autographs". We're basically gonna get people to sponsor us to watch 8 shows in 4 days and get 180 autographs from the casts, then auction the items either online or at a special event. We all think it's gonna be a success. The next issue we had was which charity to give to. We settled on giving half to Cancer Research and half to the ward on which Gemma's dad was on before he died. So we have 3 weeks to plan and iron everything out.
yeeehaaa! Good luck to meeee!

Too much time on my hands.

2007-09-26T19:12:00.000-04:00

Michigan reminded me of Al today. Al Silber, Al from Woman in White, Al from Fiddler.
I feel bad. She wasn't here, and I was.
It's her home, not mine. Although now I feel that Michigan is more my home than Scotland is. Michigan is where my heart is and Scotland is where my "home" is. It's not a home, it's a house.
I thought alot about Al today. Just as I was doing things, normal things, it kinda freaked me out to be honest. There are a couple of her quotes which inspired me and I would like to share them with you. I hope she doesn't mind me posting them here, obviously all content is copyrighted to Alexandra Silber.

"The Sculptor"
The sculptor can see that somewhere deep within a slab of marble, lies an incredible work of art. The sculptor is the only one who can see it, recognise it, bring it out, reveal it to the rest of us".

Ellie's choice words!

2007-09-25T17:04:00.000-04:00

Took a stroll through the park with Ellie in her pram, yelling at the pigeons and quacking at the ducks. It was lovely, it was such a nice day here today, fab actually for this time of year. I love Autumn or "Fall" as the yanks call it, I've totally been yankified in recent months! But Autumn is amazing, you can smell the change in the air and feel the winter slowly creeping in. Ellie loves it too, she love getting on her proper coat and picking out which shoes to wear.
So we're walking through the park and an old lady is being taken for a walk by her scruffy dog who looked kind of like a beagle, some kind of hound anyway and Ellie yells "Look , a wee dog", so we go over, we talk, she says hiya to the dog then he got a bit excited and starts licking her and pawing her and being quite "innapropriate" as the yanks would yet again say! So of all things to say, Ellie yells at the top of her lungs "fuck off!"
I just about DIED! She's one ! Obviously instinct told me to yell back at her "NAUGHTY!" So I did. She apologised and said she wouldnt say naughty words but it really did make me wanna giggle!
She makes me smile, the things she says, like she'll come onto the sofa and cuddle me then say "take your shirt off" so random but so cute!
We spend much of the day loading Winnie the Pooh, Eeyore and Tigger into a shopping trolley, then unloading them, then loading them again. Hours of entertainment with three toys and a plastic trolley, or cart (yankish).
She's officially adorable!

Rain.

2007-09-24T20:53:00.000-04:00

My baby I love her so much!

It's raining outside again, I know it's not unusual for Scotland but for once, it sounds so pretty. There is this huge harvest moon and it's orange. With a small wisp of cloud straying over it. It actually reminds me of A Midsummer Night's Dream or Romeo and Juliet.
The Street lights are out around here this week so the moon lights the raindrops and they look like sparkles. I can't believe how long I have been gazing out my window, the neighbours are going to think I'm even weirder than I appear, but they do like to watch through their windows at the same time each night when I rehearse my singing pieces! Don't quite know what they think I'm doing but it seems interesting all the same!
Only 5 weeks till London. Now I'm not at uni the time seems to go so slow. I sat alone in the restaurant for 3 hours today, I watched Deal or No Deal and Neighbours and loads more mindless garbage but the time sailed by.
Yet again I sit alone on this god damn laptop, with nothing to do. Why didn't I go to uni?
The questions are all in my brain but something said no, I couldn't do it.
I miss my Michigan family, they called the other night and it was awful saying goodbye.